Thankful for my Sufferings

"Let suffering be the door you walk through that draws you to deeper intimacy with Jesus. Suffering can do that, if we let it. And though it would never be the doorway we would choose, it is one we will never regret walking through."

This is a quote one of my Facebook friends posted from something she had read from John Eldredge.  The title was "We can have understanding or we can have Jesus" It is so true. We often seek to understand our circumstances through our own limited knowledge, and we forget to consult God who has the entire view of our lives right in front of him with HIS BEST in mind for our whole journey. He knows how today's triumphs will help us through tomorrows troubles. He knows how tomorrow's suffering with give us perspective and wisdom to celebrate next week's successes.

So on this Thanksgiving I want to reflect on the challenges I have faced that have helped shape me for this season of life. These are the things I want to be thankful for this year because without them I don't think I would have many of my rewards.

I am thankful for "oops" pregnancies because without them I would not have 2 (Maiesha and Chloe) of our 4 children.

I am thankful for 2 miscarriages because they helped me understand how fragile our lives are and how much I need to trust God.

I am thankful for my Grandpa Keppeler's funeral because I learned how to worship God through my grief.

I am thankful for having precancerous cells on my cervix because I learned that I am not invincible and must live every day to the fullness of  the Glory of God for I don't know how many days I have been given on this earth.

I am thankful for the marriage challenges we have faced because I have learned how to be a better wife and I can share my story to encourage other wives in their own struggles.

I am thankful for having to walk away from "dream jobs" because it has given me time to devote to being the mom my children need.

I am thankful for having to say good-bye to friends each time I have moved because it pushes me to connect with new people wherever I go.

I am thankful for the pain of 4 epidural free deliveries because I have a little glimpse of the pain Jesus experienced to die in my place to save me from my sins.

I am thankful for fouling the best shot put throw of my college career because I learned that I don't get any "do-overs" so I must make the most of every opportunity. I also learned that I cannot achieve success through a fear of failure.

I am thankful for falling 20 rebounds short of 1,000 in high school basketball because it reminds me to give all my effort all the time so I don't fall short as a wife, a mom, a friend, and an employee.

My sufferings seem small as compared to other people's stories, but they are mine and they are real for me. As the quote states at the top of this entry they have each helped draw me into a deeper intimacy with my Savior. I don't have to understand why, but I do have to trust that God has painted a masterpiece even though I can only see part of the canvas.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:1-4 NIV

My God dream

Since my last blog, God has been doing a work in me. He is showing me a little more of the BIG dream he has planned for me. We have been doing a series at church about Joseph the Dreamer. It is specifically speaking to the “God dream” that we each have. Joseph was given two dreams as a teenager which God fulfilled many years later once Joseph was ready and in position. He went through so many trials and a few triumphs on his way there, but God was faithful through it all, and Joseph learned how to be faithful and trust God to keep his promise. God saved a nation through Joseph. Who could have guessed that when his brothers sold him into slavery.

One phrase from last week’s sermon has really stuck in my mind – hindsight provides clarity. I love hindsight. I love to look at a particular situation in my life and rewind through my life to see all the events that led to this point. If I have not done ____, I would have missed _____. If I had missed _____, I would never have met _____. You get the idea. God seemed to be telling me that he has wired me to minister to children. Children are my mission field. In hindsight, it makes perfect sense, but I have been fighting that for a while. I have down played the significance of working with children and investing my life in them. I confess I was looking for something more glamorous.

I started serving in the nursery at our small church when I would about 10 years old. I loved being in there snuggling the few precious babies we had. I didn’t mind changing diapers, and I thought it a wonderful challenge to be able to calm a crying baby who missed his mommy. I worked as a babysitter through junior high and high school for cousins and neighbors. One summer I did it full time for two kids who are now in college or maybe finished with college by now. (I feel old.) I mentored teenage girls in foster care when I was in college. Tyrone and I trained kids at a tennis club after we were first married. I coached JV girls’ basketball and Varsity track for 7 years in South Carolina and Indiana. I lead children’s ministry at our small church plant back in South Carolina for a year before we moved to Indiana. I read stories to kids in elementary school and planned parties as homeroom mom. A couple years ago God put it on my heart to feed kids who are hungry. We started with one family. Now our house is becoming “the place to be” after school for some kids in our neighborhood who just need a place to play, and they usually need a snack too. They walk home from school with us just to talk.

I have been working part-time as the Children’s Ministry Director at our church for more than a year now. I took the job out of obedience because I felt it is what God was calling me to at the time. It was something I said I would never do again (never tell God never). I figured it was another step toward that BIG thing out there in the distance that I was meant to do. Now I think it IS the beginning of the BIG thing. The clarity of hindsight has shown me that God has been getting me ready all these years. Now he has positioned me in a thriving church (in a state I never thought about living in) where I can have great influence on a community of children and families who need Jesus. By making a difference in this community and pointing young children toward Jesus, they will be able to go out and reach the world with the Gospel. A wise person told me recently that I must be doing that in my own home first or I have missed the point of the position I have been given. She was so right! It begins right here in my own home with the 4 (wow, I still have trouble with that number) children God has blessed us with. They are gifts from Him. Four hearts that desperately need to see Jesus and find relationship with him. I am so thankful that Jeremiah and Maiesha have already made that decision. Those little eyes are watching through my successes and failures  as I model a relationship with my savior each day for them.

This is the beginning of my BIG thing – my God dream. I am here to, as the Greenhouse mission statement reads, grow kids in God’s grace and love to lead them toward a fully-devoted world changing relationship with Jesus Christ. This dream is bigger than a job at a church. It’s bigger than working in ministry. It is a life style, a culture, as way of living. It is wherever I am. I will always be a mom. My kids will always have friends. We will always have neighbors.

Some people brought little children to Jesus. They wanted him to place his hands on the children and pray for them. But the disciples told the people to stop.  Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me. Don’t keep them away. The kingdom of heaven belongs to people like them.” - Matthew 19:13-14 (NIrV)

 

 

Something Big

I sat in a room at a table across from a wise, older woman about 5 years ago. Jeremiah and Maiesha, ages 3 and 18 months, played at the back of the room while we talked. It was a pivotal conversation in the way I saw my life’s purpose.

This woman, Pat, was the Women’s Ministry Director at our church in Evansville, IN. She heard me speak at our bi-weekly Mom 2 Mom meeting on the topic of submission a few weeks earlier. We had lived in Evansville for about a year. I jumped into the women’s ministry activities quickly because I was staying home with our kids full-time and I needed adult conversation and interaction. I asked Pat if we could meet so I could share my enthusiasm for what God was doing at that time and to get some direction from someone who had more knowledge and experience than me.

Our meeting lasted nearly 2 hours. I took one brief break to take Jeremiah potty. The thing I walked away with that day is what drives me today. It is also what frustrates me more than almost anything else. Pat looked at me and said Lynette, I sense that God has something BIG in store for you. I don’t know when or where, but I believe it is something BIG. We talked about taking care of my family and continuing to seek God’s direction while the BIG thing unfolds in God’s timing.

Wow! Me? Really? Cool! What is it? Come on – just tell me. Please God, I don’t want to wait. I am ready for it now. These are the thoughts that flooded my mind as Pat spoke those powerful words. They have continued to run through my mind daily ever since that conversation 5 years ago. Many days my motivation is out of a need to be significant and feel important. On my best days these thoughts come from a genuine heart that desires to fulfill the purpose God has for me. I often sit and brainstorm about what this BIG thing could be. I think about what I am good at and what I most enjoy doing. It must be related to one of those things, right?

The trouble is if I am not careful, I get caught up in my daydreams about the BIG thing and forget how important all the big things are in my life in this season. If I am not careful I lose sight of what God is doing to refine in me now. I wiggle and squirm as he chisels away at my layers of selfish ambition and vain conceit (Philippians 2:3) rather than seeing it as part of the journey that will lead me to this BIG thing.

I am a mom to 4 children now. Those sweet babes from 5 years ago are 8 and nearly 7. My little ones are 2 ½ years and 2 months old. I want each of them to have a deep, personal relationship with Jesus and develop a vision for God’s plan for each of them here on Earth. It is my job to lead them toward that vision. Talk about a big job. 

Tyrone and I have walked through some huge challenges in our marriage. We have been married for 12 years by God’s grace. We easily could have given up early on. We could have given up last year if it were not for the prayers of many and the Holy Spirit guiding us. Talk about a big redemption.

Just a few months ago I experienced freedom from a past that had troubled me for more than a decade. In the sweet words of Beth Moore from study “Breaking Free” I can say it is under my feet. Talk about a big triumph.

I am on my way to freedom from my anger problem. I have lived on this earth for 35 years and I realized less than a year ago that I have been an angry person for most of my life. The saddest part is that my anger is often directed at the people I love the most.  Talk about a big transformation in our family.

I work part time at our church which has grown by 40% each of the last 3 years. I am responsible for the children’s ministry – birth through 5^th grade. I have the privilege of connecting with families every week and pouring into their lives. I get to work with 30 to 40 faithful volunteers who pour into each of the 90 plus kids who come to our classrooms every Sunday. Talk about something bigger than me.

I am learning to appreciate and celebrate all these big things in my life. I am becoming a patient person and learning all the lessons God has for me. I can’t help but think how are they all fitting together? How are they shaping me for the BIG thing God has for me?

I know there is something BIGGER still out there for me, but the things I am a part of now are already bigger than what I would have chosen. God knew I would be here where I am now and he had these things in mind for me before he formed me in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). He knows what is down the road. He knows when my story is complete. I need to trust him with those details and focus on the big jobs he has given me now. They are each preparing me for the next season. They are a part of a legacy I am leaving that will hopefully carry on through our children and grandchildren and beyond. I want to be obedient and patient to wait on God’s perfect time for each thing he has for me no matter how BIG or how small.

 

I am confident of this, that he who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6).

For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

Chloe is 7 weeks old now. Jeremiah and Maiesha are wrapping up the second week of third and first grade respectively. Tyrone started his third year at the University of Arkansas this week. Lydia will begin preschool next week. I am full swing into my second year at our church as the Children's Ministry Director.

Life is crazy! Everyone is tired as we settle into the new routine of being a family of six and the new school year. Tempers are flaring. Attitudes are stinky. Feet are dragging. I have become very sensitive to the presence of anger in myself and people around. All through the spring I was uncovering and learning how to experience freedom from some deep rooted anger. A wise friend shared with me that anger is a secondary emotion most often caused by another underlying emotion - fear, anxiety, or pride to name a few. The trouble is trying to figure out what those emotions are - especially in your children.

We have been spent a lot of time in the past couple months talking to Jeremiah about anger. He is so quick to respond to an adverse situation with anger. It could be difficult school work, an argument with his sister, or me telling him no to something he wants to do. His first response too often is to be angry which typically leads to a bad choice to express his anger.  It has really helped me see how my response to him during these moments can fuel his anger or defuse it. I am learning so much about my own anger and how to trust the Spirit to help me be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19).

Last weekend I decided that Jeremiah and I should read through the book of Philippians together. After a sermon series years ago, I wrote in the subtitle "The Joy of the Lord is my Strength" under Philippians. I wanted Jeremiah to see God's Word about having joy in adverse, difficult circumstances. The first night we started chapter 1 he was grumpy and tired and it didn't go very well. The second night, however, was so precious. I read a verse then we talked about it. We came to "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21) and we camped out there. I explained that Paul was writing this letter to the people of Philippi from prison. He was in prison for telling people about Jesus - that was the only crime he had committed. He still had joy and could rejoice with the Philippians in spite of his current living arrangements. He longed to be with Christ in heaven, but he knew and trusted God's purpose for him was not finished on the earth. This really registered with Jeremiah because he has asked on several occasions why he couldn't just go to heaven now. He started to cry as we read and talked.

We continued to read verses 22 through 26.

 "If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! ²³ I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; ²⁴ but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. ²⁵ Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, ²⁶ so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me."

I explained to Jeremiah that it is not time for him to go to heaven yet. God has big plans and a purpose for him here on earth. Like Paul, he must decide to trust God and remain here and allow each experience - good and bad - to shape him and prepare him for the plans God has for him. Jeremiah began to smile through the tears. He was getting excited at the idea of God using him.

He loves to talk about China and Japan. He often asks when we will take him to one or the other. I said maybe God will send him to China one day to talk to people about Jesus. Then he said he liked Japan better. I said, "Well maybe Japan, then, Jeremiah (Laughing on the inside)." We wrapped it up by acknowledging that, of course, it would be so wonderful to be in heaven with Jesus, but we have to find joy in our challenges and trust that God is using all of life's successes and trials (including Math) to lead us toward him and the great plans he has for us.

What a lesson for me - as much or more than my sweet, tender-hearted son. Life is hard right now. We are all trying to find our way back to "normal" and all the while I continue to realize we can't go back. There is a new normal for our family now. We just have to seek after God whole heartedly to find rest and that "breath of fresh air" that we long for and can only be found in intimate relationship with our Heavenly Father. It would be so much easier to just go to heaven at the moment we accept Jesus as our Savior, but God's plans go one step further. He wants to build a relationship with us and reveal himself to us one challenge and one triumph at a time. He wants to use our journey to reach lost souls with the Gospel to welcome "just one more" of his creation into his Kingdom.

God is so good!

Where has the time gone? It has been quite a while since my last post and a lifetime of things have happened to keep me on the go. Most notably our fourth child was born - Chloe Lucille Washington. She arrived at 3:17 p.m. on July 9. She was 21 3/4 inches long and weighed 8lb 6oz. She has a full head of black hair that curls when it is wet. She looks much like her siblings did when they were born, but she is unique with all that hair.

As I prepared myself for this final delivery, I was reminded of a verse that was pretty important to me when our third child, Lydia, was born. Psalm 28:7 says "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped." A friend texted this to me when labor was getting pretty intense and I remember repeating "The Lord is my strength and my shield" over and over through contractions. I thought it would be a great verse to memorize and meditated on as I prepared to do what I thought I would never have to do again. God proved himself faithful, as always, as we welcomed Chloe into the "outside" world.

Many friends and family specifically mentioned praying for a short labor. An easy labor. A quick delivery. I even asked God if I could catch a break since this was my fourth time delivering a baby without an epidural. I appreciated the prayers of course, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. After all, every pregnancy is different and the labor and delivery is no exception. Some would call that being a realist. On the other hand, maybe I didn't  trust God with my whole heart. Maybe my faith was lacking. Either way, I kept praying Psalm 28:7 and asked the Facebook world to pray it too.

I am a lot embarrassed to say, it didn't really register with me how much God had answered our specific prayers for a quick, easy delivery until about a week after we came home from the hospital. We arrived at the hospital at 6:00 a.m. for a scheduled induction. I was ready to meet our third daughter and my doctor was willing to induce me at 39 weeks so I didn't hesitate when she offered. I labored for about 7 hours with little more than moderate discomfort after my nurse started the pitocin in my IV. I was already about 3cm dilated when we arrived and every 2 hours I dilated another centimeter. I chatted with Tyrone. I updated my Facebook status. I took a couple naps. I ate ice chips. I got up to go to the bathroom. I visited with my nurse and showed her a picture of our 3 children. My hope was that we would have a baby by dinner time.

A little after 2:00 I got out of bed for another short walk to the bathroom and decided to stand for a while. I even stood through some contractions. That was kind of cool because I had never tried that with any of my other deliveries. That was just what I needed to really get things moving apparently. I went from moderate discomfort to "game face" very quickly. My next visit with my nurse was more serious. I told her I wasn't up for anymore chit chat. I had my headphones on and I was getting focused. Tyrone was a little more tuned in to me. All of a sudden contraction were coming hard and one after another. I lost my focus. I forgot my verse. I was remembering how I never wanted to do this again. I was giving in to my flesh and lost sight of "The Lord is my strength and my shield". My heart was not trusting in him. Tyrone tried to get me to refocus. He even mentioned that I needed to think about my verse. My nurse said I was almost there, but when she said I was only at 7cm, I gave up. I didn't think I could handled another hour (or more is what was running through my mind) of contractions like these. I remember crying out "God please help me." a couple of times. All of a sudden 4 nurses rushed into my room and started preparing for the delivery. They worked fast! They new something I didn't know. It had been about 3 minutes since my nurse left the room to call my doctor to report my request for an epidural (if time would allow). One of the four nurse checked again and I was at 10cm and she said it was time to have this baby. My doctor had to run upstairs from clinic on the first floor. I couldn't believe it. In hindsight, it was like God reached down and rescued me. In those 3 minutes, he answered all the prayers for an easy, short delivery. I didn't see it right then.

After a handful of pushes - Tyrone and I disagree on the exact number - Chloe was born. Just like that it was over, and the 6th member of our family was laying on my chest using her little lungs for the first time. Tyrone cut the cord and we talked to her. I was rubbing her back and kissing her sticky little head. (A few minutes later she peed all over me which lightened the mood in the room.) We finally and officially chose her middle name - Lucille - after my Great-Aunt after a nurse took her footprints. Jeremiah, Maiesha, and Lydia arrived a couple hours later to meet their new baby sister.

It registered for the first time how God had really come through while I was talking to my mentor in our living room a week later. She asked how it went and I told her an abbreviated version of the story. She looked at me with a smile and said "Isn't God good." Then it all hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes...yes he is good...and how did I miss that in the moments when it was happening? I have now had more time to reflect on that day and pray about it. I have had the opportunity to share the story and acknowledge God's faithfulness. I have been able to rejoice and give thanks for His goodness.

What is the lesson here? Do I beat myself up for giving up when things seemed beyond what I could endure? No, I think I need to see that God is faithful even when I lose faith. God is with me even when I take my eyes off of him. God rescues me when I cry out to him. God gives me exactly what I need according to his good purpose.

Isn't God good!

D-day is coming soon

We are closing in on D-day (delivery day). July 16 is  4 weeks and 5 days away. After my doctor's appointment two days ago I feel pretty confident Baby Chloe will make her debut sooner than that - praise the Lord. It is so surreal to think about it. A friend who was due 12 days before me just had her baby - 4 weeks early. He is doing great and is quite adorable. That got me thinking two things.

Oh, to not be pregnant anymore, how wonderful! God please don't make me "suffer" 4 more long weeks.

The second thing I thought was  we are really going to have a baby in a few weeks. How is that possible? (I know biologically how this is possible.) This was not our plan. We were done having children! Now we will be out numbered 2 to 1. We were done with diapers. Now our life is going to change and I don't know how to manage it all? I don't know how the kids will adjust? Can I do the things I was planning to do?

We have been spending some time focusing our family on Philippians 4:8 "...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." I have been praying it for Tyrone. Jeremiah has started reading it at bedtime with his other verses. Now I see that I need to know it too. If these are the the things I think about then all those crazy thoughts and questions don't fit in my head. There is no room for doubt, anger, resentment, fear, etc. I can recognize the lies satan uses to tear me down and keep me from trusting God and being an effective witness for His Kingdom. God has given us this baby to teach us and grow us - in faith and in number.

The last couple weeks I sit in bed each night and watch my baby bump move. I feel the kicks, punches, and twists of this little miracle growing inside me. Then I try to get comfortable in order to sleep and each position is temporarily and moderately comfortable at best. These nights of shifting and frequent trips to the bathroom help me get more excited to meet Chloe ( selfishly motivated, I admit, to be physically comfortable again).

Over the weekend the kids got to feel baby girl's hiccups on my belly and see her moving. I keep reminding them that she can hear their voices so it is good to talk to her so she recognizes them when she is born. All three kids went with me to my doctor's appointment Tuesday. They were so excited to hear her heartbeat.  After the doctor informed me I was already 1-2 cm dilated and 70-80% effaced I explained to them that Chloe could come earlier than we were expecting. I had a little anxiety when I heard this news. (More thoughts that don't fit in my head if I am focused on whatever is true, noble, right...) Given this new information, we all took the elevator up to the labor and delivery floor to explore a little after my appointment. We got to see a few babies in the nursery and I explained that Chloe would be sleeping in one of those little beds soon enough. I think they would have stood at that window for an hour if I had let them.

All of these events are helping me become more and more excited to meet Chloe. More and more thrilled to embrace this plan that was not my idea. I want to see if she looks like her brother and sisters. I want to hold her and hear her sweet newborn cry. I can't wait to watch her daddy snuggle her and talk to her in the delivery room. I am thankful God's ways are not our ways.  His thoughts are not our thoughts. I am thankful that he chose us to be the parents of a fourth child. I know he has a great plan and purpose for her life and for our family of 6.

Baby Girl has a Name

Tuesday night I experienced something new as a pregnant woman. I couldn't sleep. I have been progressively more and more uncomfortable the last few weeks. Body parts go numb and tingly. My enlarged abdomen makes it hard to sit up or roll over and I must support it with a pillow when laying on my side. As a rule, I don't like to complain and don't like complainers, but I am making an exception being that this is my fourth baby. I am in a new class of parenting where I get to use having 4 children as an excuse for my short comings. Ha Ha! Not really. I do like sarcasm. So while I was awake Tuesday night from 3:30 to 5:15 A.M. I decided to write in my journal. Here a little excerpt from my hours of sleeplessness.

.....................

It is 4:15a.m. and I can't sleep. This is a first for me. It has a lot to do with pregnancy. My legs are a little tingly and numb. My belly hurts most any way I turn or lay. My mind is full of so many thought about life right now. I feel a bit hungry too.

We have had no luck with baby names mostly because we admit to being a little indifference about baby girl's arrival. I have also not found many names that seem to fit. I really believe, however, that naming this precious baby will help us feel more enthusiastic and connect us to her in a more positive way. It has been a real challenge to accept what has been happening inside my body these past 7 months. It has been difficult to fathom life with a newborn again and parenting 4 children.

I have been searching for names occasionally, but nothing has really jumped out at me. A few names made my "short list", but no favorites. I have been praying that God will reveal the right name in the right time. I prayed that it would be obvious when the name God had chosen for our third daughter came along.

A couple weeks ago my dad suggested the name Chloe. He had made some other silly, even ridiculous suggestions, which annoyed me greatly, but Chloe was a legitimate idea. I take baby naming very seriously. Each of our children's names has specific mean and/or a story to explain its significance. I shared the name Chloe with Tyrone, and to my surprise, he liked it. He also pointed out this was the first time my dad had made a name suggestion and that seemed to mean something to him. As I thought more about it, that meant something to me too since I have felt disconnected from him in recent years.

I looked up the meaning of Chloe. It means "verdant and blooming". My first thought was what does verdant mean? Well, it means "green with vegetation; covered with growing plants or grass; of the color green". It seemed to be very symbolic of this pregnancy and the new direction God has been turning our family. New growth and vegetation where there has been weeds and infertile soil. A sign of new life that can only come when we trust God in the darkest of times. When we find ourselves in and pit of death (Psalm 40:2) and look up to find His outstretched hand reaching down to pull us into His light.

That's what Chloe means to our family. New beginning. New life. Renewed hope. Rekindled light. Restored love and relationship. Much of my indifference has melted away with this decision. I am looking forward to holding baby Chloe for the first time in 7 weeks, give or take, and putting her name and her face together.

...........

I was patient while I waited for the Lord.
    He turned to me and heard my cry for help.
² I was sliding down into the pit of death, and he pulled me out.
    He brought me up out of the mud and dirt.
He set my feet on a rock.
    He gave me a firm place to stand on.
³ He gave me a new song to sing.
    It is a hymn of praise to our God.
Many people will see what he has done and will worship him.
    They will put their trust in the Lord. - Psalm 40:1-3 (NIrV)

It gets better. Yesterday, when I shared baby's name with Jeremiah and Maiesha, Jeremiah turned a corner. He said, "I like that name. I know I am special and I think I like this baby now." Those were the sweetest words he could have said.

Happy Mother's Day

I have learned so much about being a mom this year. I have learned so much about myself and my relationship with God through my job as a mom. This Mother’s Day turned out to be a weekend of great experiences with my family. 

It all began Thursday night when Jeremiah and I had a Mother Son Date at Chick-fil-a. He wasn’t in the best of moods so I practically had to drag him to the car. We parked and as we were getting out I gave him a $20 bill so he could pay for our food. He thought was pretty cool and began to perk up. We found a table in the area reserved for the event and he was very interested in designing a family crest on the cardboard shield he was given. He chose courageous, God, humility, and energetic to describe our family. We ordered our food. We talked through the conversation starter questions on the place mate. He carefully drew pictures on his shield and colored them. It was a great evening for the two of us. 

We have invested a lot of time this year praying specific Bible verses with our kids and casting a vision for them to begin to understand the great plans God has for their lives. In recent months, we have focused a lot of time teaching them about respect and developing a leadership attitude. This has transformed our lives. We are working to show respect and earn respect. God has really been teaching me how to apply James 1:19-20, 22 “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.”

In my flesh, it is so easy to get angry and preach at my children. In the moment, it is so easy to lose my temper and react rather than listen and pray and respond. It is also so destructive and a tool that satan uses to create division in families. Fortunately, God has given me some great resources and guidance to teach me how to respond in grace and love. He has given me a new ability to listen to my children, to respond in a way that honors Him and points my children toward him. They can see the fruit of the Spirit in me and through me rather that just hearing empty words and hypocrisy from me. It’s transparency - being open and honest, willing to admit when I mess up and asking for forgiveness, creating an environment where they feel safe to ask questions and express their feelings. We are learning to discipline them in love rather than just punishing them for their disobedience.

Life is a marathon not a sprint. Learning to parent children seems to be no different. It is taking a level of consistency that is really challenging and sometimes uncomfortable. It is a huge sacrifice some days and a great demonstration of self-control (and the recognition of when I lose control). It takes a lot of thought and surrender to allow God to lead me so I can be the mom my children need. It takes daily prayers to pursue the plans God has for our family. Prayers that we will live boldly for God’s glory rather than prayers for safety and comfort in this fallen world.

On the toughest days, the voice of doubt creeps in to say it’s all for nothing. Fatigue and frustration take over and distract my from trusting God and persevering in the strength and power of the name of Jesus. So often right after the most difficult moments God has  given me rays of hope that demonstrate his faithfulness and proof that he has equipped me with the ability to parent these 3 - soon to be 4 - precious children. In light of that I must brag on each of my kiddos and how God is at work in them. 

Lydia loves to say her own prayer during our family prayer time each night. In the past week her prayers have gone from “Love me Jesus, Amen” to saying thank you Jesus and listing out all our names. She kneels by the bed and folds her hands to mimic mommy and daddy. Oh, did I mention she turned 2 just 3 months ago.

Jeremiah and Maiesha each made me a Mother’s Day card this weekend. No one prompted them to do it. They just spent some time in their rooms by their own effort to create a expression of their feelings. Talk about confirmation from God that what we have been praying and talking about is sinking in and making a difference.

Maiesha colored a card orange with purple hearts and inside she wrote: “I love you mom becues...you love me and that you care about me to. I hope that you love my crde that I made. Thank you for loveing me. You are a good mom. Thank you for giting Bri here when I didnt see her alot.”

Jeremiah presented a plain white card with pencil-drawn hearts and inside he wrote: “Thank you for being my mom. I love you so much because you are my mom and you love me. Have a great mothers day. I will give you all my heart.” He also drew a picture of the two of us holding hands. Even better, tonight he called me back into his room after we had turned out the lights to apologize for saying something disrespectful earlier today and to say Happy Mother’s Day once more.

Wow! God is so good and so faithful. All the glory belongs to him.

Continued It is for Freedom...Part 3

Galatians 5:1 “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

So if we believe this, if we own it, if we hold desperately to it, then what could our lives be like?

There could be no limits to our worship of God, our relationships with God and others, and our reach for God.

I think the foundation of any good relationship is trust. Trust is the reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety of a person or thing; confidence. So the first question is do I trust God? He is certainly trust-worthy, but does my life demonstrate a reliance on him and a confidence in him. Do I go to him with the smallest details to the greatest crisis and believe that he will guide me through?

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord will all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight.”

Do I believe him? Can I trust him with all my heart or just when I really need help out of a difficult situation? Can I lean on on his sovereignty rather than my limited understanding? WIll I acknowledge him knowing that he will make my path straight?

So what keeps us from trusting God? For me it gets difficult when I focus on my circumstances rather than him. Those are the times when I am not seeking him through scripture and prayer. When I allow feeling of guilt, pride, bitterness to take hold, I feel like God is far, far away instead of claiming the truth that he lives in me. When other people have hurt us in someway we project that onto God and question him rather than seeing that we have created an idol out of our expectations of other people.

However, if I am living in the freedom that Christ has given me, I can be transformed and experience an intimacy with God that lifts me up above my circumstances. It helps me see the world more like God sees it so I can build relationships that glorify Him.

I have really begun to see this in my relationship with our children. By trusting God I am learning to be the mother that my children need rather than asking him to “fix” my kids when things aren’t going my way. He is teaching me how to listen and respond rather than become angry and react. It is amazing what God has taught me through my 6 and 7 year old daughter and son just in the last 7 months. (What can I expect when they are teenagers?)

By trusting God I have developed some great relationships with other women. He has provided great women to meet with for Bible studies and small groups. He has given me the ability to counsel college girls and connect my story to what they are facing now. He has given me several incredible mentors who I can pour my heart out to so that I can be filled up with their knowledge and experience as wives and mothers as they walk with the Lord.

By trusting God my marriage is being transformed. I have finally experienced freedom in one area that I will share more about which has lead to a renewed passion and desire for my husband. It comes out in how I chose to respect him and help him and talk to him. It comes out in how I trust him and encourage him and challenge him.

Finally, if I embrace the freedom I have in Christ there will be no limits to my reach for God. God can make a difference through me in my community, in my country, and in this world. I can clearly see who these people are and listen for the opportunities he gives me to share with them. He also gives me the boldness to speak truth which I could not do in my own ability.

In Matthew 28:16-20 as the eleven remaining disciples go to see Jesus for the first time after his death and resurrection, Jesus gives them, and us, the Great Commission. “Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Jesus says because of his authority we are to go. It doesn’t sound very optional. Notice he isn’t asking us to do it alone either. He promises he will always be with us. So who is God telling you to go to? Is it a neighbor or a family member? It is to someone with different political views than you? Is it to a complete stranger in the grocery store or a coworker? Is it to a nation on the other side of the world?

Pray and ask God to open your eyes to see the people around you that he wants you to go to and then ask Him for the boldness to approach them. He will give you the words to say if you just trust him. I have seen this to be true in my life more and more as I grab a hold of this freedom I have in Christ.

While I was teaching at the University of Evansville, there was a girl in my class who was virtually unnoticeable. She never made eye contact, never spoke, and looked to be afraid of the world. Through an assignment on body image, I was able to reach out via an email to all students who scored below the “acceptable” range. She was one those students. She approached me after class the next day and asked if we could talk. After a brief conversation that day I gave her a hug, which I normally am not very comfortable doing, but I just felt it was the right way to end the conversation. We started to meet regularly. I learned that she was petrified of  hugs or being touched at all. She had been abused her entire life - physically, sexually, emotionally, verbally, etc. She had even attempted suicide earlier that semester. I encouraged her to write because talking was very difficult. I provided a safe place and a listening ear and words or encouragement. I shared my faith and how much God loves her even if no human being ever had.

This young lady with graduate from the University of Evansville next month. She has published a number of short stories and other pieces that all tell her story and have given her an avenue to heal. She is planning to study abroad this summer and attend graduate school in the fall. She welcomes hugs from friends now and smiles all the time. God has transformed her and I got to be a part of that because he said go and I went.

Another story I want to share took place last fall in my own home. God said go and I didn’t even have to leave my house. He brought the person to me. I had planned my usual monthly luncheon for moms and their kids. Normally I had anywhere from 6 to 10 moms who would come for lunch and hang out for a couple hours while all the kids played. This particular day I had a feeling that no one would show up. Normally that would freak me out, but I had a real peace about it. Someone did come and I believe God appointed that lunch for just the two of us. I had only just met this woman a couple months earlier, but we enjoyed visiting and God lead me to share my faith with her. We talked about church, heaven and hell, our kids, and personal relationship with Jesus. She comes to church now and is getting involved in other ways with several other Christian woman. I don’t know the final outcome of our lunch that day, but I do know God said go and I responded by trusting him and allowing him to lead.

So the question I ask again is if we believe God loves us and he sees us as pure, holy and blameless through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, what could our lives be like? What would our relationships be like? What would our marriages be like? What would our legacy on the earth be once we are gone?

Continued It is for Freedom...Part 2

Continued from “It is for freedom...Part 1”

Galatians 5:1 “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

So if we believe this, if we own it, if we hold desperately to it, then what could our lives be like?

There could be no limits to our worship of God, our relationships with God and others, and our reach for God.

Why do we worship God? I had not thought too much about this until a few months ago. I had boxed worship into mostly something that we do through singing and saying thank you when “things work out”. Well I don’t believe that is it at all. Those are things we do as a result of who God is and that is why we worship him. We worship God because of who he is. Period! Revelations 4:11 tells us God is worthy. Psalm 96:9 tells us He is holy and beautiful. Isaiah 12:4 says to give praise and that His name is exalted. Set a timer for 5 minutes and see if you can talk to God about who he is without mentioning yourself. Search the Bible to discover all the characteristics of God and why he alone is worthy of our worship.

I went to a college student conference over new year’s eve in 1998-99 in Atlanta, GA. I ended up going by myself because the friend I rode with got sick right after we arrived. The Impact Movement is the organization that put on the conference and it is predominately an African-American organization. So along with being by myself, I was one of a small handful of Caucasian students in the crowd of about 2,500 students. I had to room with 3 girls that I had never met before in my life. It was an incredible experience.  My roommates were very gracious and I spent lots of time with them. I also learned how to get over myself and worship God because I felt his spirit moving in that place. I believe it the first time I ever raised my hands during worship music. One of the speakers spoke on the crucifixion in great detail in a way that made me feel like I was at the foot of the cross watching it all happen. He kept saying “don’t look away, it’s not finished yet” as he described everything that Jesus went through. People started walking to the front of this enormous room in response. I started to go too. God was asking me to respond to who he is and not give in to a fear of what other people would think of me. So many went forward I only made it into the isle, but it was incredible to experience God and that week has forever changed me.

The Bible describes a lot of ways that we can express our praise to God. Our English translations boil it down to one or two words that give a rather limited view of how we should worship God. In the book “Fresh Air” by Chris Hodge he describes 7 different Hebrew words for our word “praise” that have helped me better understand how to worship God.

Hallel - Psalm 22:26 - Get excited about God, celebrate, brag, get silly about Him

Yadah - Psalm 138:1 - put our hands up in public to acknowledge the greatness of God

Barak - Psalm 103:1 - kneeling before God to show our thankfulness and be humble

Zamar - Psalm 150:3-5 - make music to God - with instruments and be loud

Shabach - Psalm 63:3-4 - shout, holler, be loud for God - he wants to hear us and be heard by others

Towdah - Psalm 34:1 - raise our hands to receive from God - trees stretching branches for rain

Tehilah - Psalm 34:1 - exuberant singing

Do you let yourself worship God in any of these ways? I have to admit it has taken me a long time to get over myself and my fear of what others might say or think so that I can just respond to God. It is so freeing and I am thankful that God has been so faithful to guide to a place where I can worship him for who he is. He is still working on me though. It is easy to get shy and uncomfortable and "refuse" to worship him freely.

My favorite worship story to date took place at my Grandpa’s funeral in May 2009. We had gathered in the little old country church where he and my Grandma had attended in the recent years. It was hard for me to even go home because this was a day I had dreaded for a long, long time. He was my favorite grandpa and the first grandparent to die since my great-grandma when I was a young child. I knew I had to go, and ultimately I felt led to speak at the funeral. My dad (this was his dad) had planned to read a poem also. He mentioned something a few times about me standing with him. I didn't think that would work very well considering I had trouble looking at him without crying. He started to read his poem and he was struggling to get the first few lines out. In complete response to the Holy Spirit picking me up out of my seat, I ran [not walk fast but actually running] to the stage to be with him. It is a bit funny as I remember because I was wearing heeled sandals which hit the old wooden floor hard with ever stride. I held him tight as his voice grew stronger and he read that poem. I have never experienced such perfect brokenness as I did in that moment. Then it was my turn. He stood by my side. As I spoke I knew God's strength had consumed me and I felt strong and empowered by the song lyrics I read [as a prayer.] As I had prayed many times before, I believe God was glorified with our time yesterday and I was able to worship him through one of the most difficult days of my life.

We sang my Grandpa’s two favorite hymns, “In the Garden” and “Amazing Grace” to close the service. I raised my hands in praise (towdah) to God as rivers of tears flowed down my face. 

To be continued...

It is for freedom...(part 1)

Wow! I didn’t realize how long it has been since I posted an entry. Time is really flying by. With so many things going on over the last month and as we prepare for Baby Girl Washington’s arrival in 15 weeks (or less hopefully), I just haven’t taken the time to sit down and write which is one of my favorite things to do.

I had the incredible opportunity to be the key note speaker at our women’s retreat at the beginning of March. Just over 50 ladies from our church gathered together for an overnight getaway. I had no idea the impact this experience would have on my journey. It served as confirmation that we are all meant to share trials and triumphs we experience for the sake of others and our own journey toward knowing God more intimately.

This will be my first entry of several from all that I shared at the retreat. The title of my 3 part series was “Freedom” and it really served to complete a chapter in my life so that I can declare freedom in a particular area of my life.

Galatians 5:1 “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

What is freedom? It is the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement of under physical restraint, exemption from external control, interference, regulations, etc.

So...what does free mean? It means enjoying personal rights or liberty, as a person who is not in slavery.

Freedom in Christ is to operate in the hope and knowledge that Jesus died to save me and through his resurrection I have power and strength to accomplish ANYTHING. Anything could be giving up a career to stay home with our children and support my husband’s career. It could be overcoming divorce or death or disease. It could be leading a friend through a difficult time and ultimately to Christ. It could be giving up the “American dream” to live as a missionary in a third world country. It could be learning to slow down to pursue only “God things” versus the good things that only run us ragged.

To understand freedom in Christ we must first understand three things. The first being how were we created?

“For you created my inmost being: you kit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” - Psalm 139:13-14

So that means God made you and me. His works (again, you and me) are wonderful. He knit us together. This reminds me of the ladies at our church back in Evansville who would knit baby booties for all expecting mothers. As they knitted, they would pray over the unborn babies and their families. They mailed the booties and a card to each family after each baby was born. 

“Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness,...” - Genesis 1:26

God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit decided to make mankind to look like Him. That doesn’t mean physically, but in our characteristics, our spirit, and soul. Just sit and think about that for a minute and let it blow your mind.

“Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.” - Genesis 2:7

The first time I “got this” was when we were teaching children’s church a few years ago. The teacher observed the distinction in Scripture. God spoke the world into being, but when it came to humans, he breathed life into us. God’s breath is what gives us life. Now let that blow your mind for a minute.

The second thing we need to understand in the pursuit of freedom in Christ is why were we created?

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him” - 1 John 3:1

God loves us. We are God’s beloved and he is ours. The creator of the universe wants a relationship with each of us. I love the word lavished in this verse. 

“Sing to the Lord, all the earth; proclaim his salvation day after day. Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples. For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods.” - 1 Chronicles 16:23-25

We are each created to bring God glory. To reflect and proclaim his glory. To demonstrate that He is greatest and most important, and no one deserves more honor. Is that your perspective each day if Jesus is your savior? Is that what motivates your decisions - big and small - as you go about your life?

The third thing we need to understand as we consider freedom in Christ is how do we have a relationship with the glorious God?

“But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and fee from accusation-” - Colossians 1:22

God purses me. He has provided a way that I can be reconciled to him. He had a plan from the very beginning to bring us back into right relationship with him after sin entered the world.

“God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” - 2 Corinthians 5:21

Through Jesus Christ, I am justified. I am totally forgiven and completely pleasing to God. When he looks at me he sees HIS pure, holy and blameless child because Christ gave us his righteousness and took our sin, guilt and shame on the cross.

“Through him everyone who believes is set free from every sin, a justification you were not able to obtain under the law of Moses.” - Acts 13:39

This tells us that there is nothing we can do to earn God’s favor. It is only through our acceptance of Jesus’ free gift of salvation that we can enter into relationship with God.

If Jesus lives in you, is that how you see yourself? If he doesn’t would you like him to? 

So if we believe this, if we own it, if we hold desperately to it, then what could our lives be like?

We would be free...free from the world’s expectations. Free from our own hang ups. Free from fear and pride. Free from the guilt of our past. Free from our circumstances.

Free to love, to dance, to cry, to laugh, to LIVE as God intends.

To be continued...

What We Need

Yesterday was a big day for our family. All five of us went to my ultrasound appointment to see if we are having a boy or a girl. We are 20 weeks along so they would also be looking for all the anatomy - internal and external. They kids were so excited. They loved seeing the spine and little waving hands. We saw a cute profile and a skinny little booty. All of this was just the opening act for what they really wanted to see however. Jeremiah and Maiesha were looking for some little boy parts. Unfortunately for them we did not discover any boy parts. We discovered the opposite in fact. We discovered that we are having a girl. 

Jeremiah was devastated. He so desperately wanted a little brother. He was sobbing and then Maiesha started to cry too. She thought a boy would be good since we have enough girls in our family already. I think she was being considerate of her brother’s hope for a boy too. When I was finally able to sit with Jeremiah, he immediately began to question our decision to have another baby. I tried to explain that this was not our plan, an "accident" in fact, but he didn’t understand that very well and my explanation was lacking. He kept saying we should have gone to the orphanage so we could have guaranteed a brother for him.

We went on to have lunch at Chick-fil-a to celebrate the news. At this point it was more of a means to console them and get their mind off the subject. As they ate I started to share the news with family and friends. This fueled Jeremiah’s emerging anger. It was my fault that we were not having a boy. Somehow I had secretly wanted a girl and just never told him. His attitude was in the tank and he wanted to lash out at anyone to help himself feel better about this tragic news.

We went to Walmart to grab a couple things including pink cupcakes. He wanted blue or red. We did finally settle on a package with pink and green. We looked a little girl baby clothes and took pictures to post on Facebook to share the news. We found an outfit with blue and green flowers and talked about this sister liking those colors instead of pink. After grabbing a gallon of milk, we just stood in the isle and I hugged him while he cried. He was worried that he wouldn't like this baby. The only girls he could like were Maiesha and Lydia. In the check out line he even said I should have prayed and asked God for a boy. When I told him I did actually pray for that, he came back with "Well you didn't pray hard enough then." 

As I watched Jeremiah go through this experience yesterday, I could not help but see how we all behave this way when we don't get what we want. We question God's commitment to us. We hurt others to pass along our pain. We think about what we or someone else could have done differently to get the "right" outcome. We grieve as though we have lost something (even though it was never ours to begin with).

My challenge is to learn how to trust God when I encounter these situations in my own life for my own sake and even more difficult, to teach my children to trust Him when they don't get all they want. God lets me throw my tantrum. He holds me while I cry it out. He welcomes me to talk to him and express my anger. His shoulders are big enough to handle whatever I put on him. Then he disciplines me, refines me, comforts me and guides me to remember that he will ALWAYS give me exactly what I need even if it is not what I wanted (and what I thought I NEEDED).

The question is do I believe God. Not do I believe in God, but do I BELIEVE HIM. 

Philippians 4:19 (NIV) says, "My God will meet all your needs. He will meet them in keeping with his wonderful riches that come to you because you belong to Christ Jesus."

If I really believe that his Word is truth, then I should live in response to that truth and allow it to transform my perspective in every situation. If he is perfect, and always works toward what is best, then I can rest in the power and strength I have through Jesus Christ.

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV) says, "But he said to me, “My grace is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak.”

So I am very happy to brag about how weak I am. Then Christ’s power can rest on me."

I did a pretty good job of being patient with Jeremiah and comforting him as he grieved his "loss". I did have to discipline him at times, but I tried my best to do it with the understanding of why he was acting that way. By dinner time, he was smiling more and joking with his Dad about how good he is at making girls. He was still asking for another try (i.e. we have another baby after this one) or a trip to the orphanage, but he was clearly already starting to recover. We will devote some extra time to give him and Dad their "guy time" and making him feeling special, but I have confidence that God has given him another sister, given our family another girl, because that is exactly what we need.

A time to reflect

Do you ever stop and think about how you got to where you are today? Whether you are happy with your life today or not, do you think about the seasons you have gone through and marvel at all that you have experienced?

We have been in Fayetteville, AR for about a year and a half now, and it has been quite an adventure. I started to think about the reasons God brought us here. I always have a sense that each new encounter and every experience is a reason, but what are the big ones. If we were to leave this place tomorrow, what would I point to as the purpose of our time here. What are the lessons we have learned? Who are the people that have most influenced us? Who have we been able to encourage and point to Christ?

The first and most obvious to me is the new life growing inside of me. This child is evidence that God restores us and heals our brokenness. It is proof of new beginnings and big surprises. It is a clear example of the miracles that take place in our lives every day if we would just stop and take notice. This was so far from the plans Tyrone and I had for our family, but it makes more and more sense as we prepare for baby's arrival in 5 short months. It also makes me laugh, perhaps the same way Sarah laughed when God told her she would have a child in her old age. Not so ironically, God gave me a mentor who is a seasoned mother of 4 about 6 weeks before we discovered I was pregnant with our fourth child. You have to appreciate the foreshadowing.

As we prepared to leave Evansville, I remember sitting in the car in the parking lot of our church and saying it felt like God had used those 4 years to train us for something. We didn't know the specifics yet, but it was so true. He had grown us and taught us a lot about the Scriptures and our relationship with Him. He had given us boldness to share our faith and a better understand of biblical history which built our confidence in the TRUTH of God's Word. Now we are a part of an amazing, growing church where we can use that training to reach out to students and families in our community. As the children's ministry director, I am using so much of our Evansville experience to direct our curriculum and build a foundation for our precious children. We are focusing outwardly to reach people who don't have a relationship with Jesus Christ and working to equip and encourage those who do.

God has given us a beautiful home that we have shared with so many people. We have hosted families, students, stay-at-home moms and their kiddos, and a few out of town guests as well. It is something of a reward for living in less than ideal houses for a few years in order find and afford the perfect house for us here in Fayetteville. It has been special to watch our kids grow in this house and to be able to give them a yard to play in and rooms to decoration and enjoy.

Tyrone has been able to explore a new part of his career. He is learning to trust God like never before in the world of research and grant writing. He is working through the stress of all that comes in a larger department and university. He is learning how to connect with and invest in these students while missing our beloved Evansville students and colleagues. He is learning how to balance work and home so he can give his best in both places and understand the value he brings to both.

God is showing me there is life after coaching and how those skills and passions can be used at home and in ministry. He used this move to "take away" jobs I loved in order to show me how to love me job as a wife and a mom. He is teaching me how to be patient so I can get a glimpse of the bigger picture which will far exceed my own hopes and dreams. He is showing me how each season of my life is preparation for the next and how they will all add up to an amazing journey. He is giving me new relationships with other moms and students - not to replace the old ones - but to use past experiences to be an encourager in the new ones.

As I am sure I have shared before, my life verse is Psalm 25:4-5. It reads, "Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope in is you all day long."

Every day I pray this to open up my prayer time with God. I memorized this at the beginning of 2010 and it is a testament that God's Word does not return void (Isaiah 55:10-12) but accomplishes the great purpose for which he sent it. As we consider this season of life and prepare for a new season with baby Washington coming, "it is well with my soul" as I put my hope and trust in my Savior more each day.

"It is Well with My Soul" by Hillsong http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cv5V3bY6qlI

"Amazing Grace, My Chains are Gone" by Chris Tomlin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jbe7OruLk8I

I can't imagine...

We celebrated Lydia's 2nd birthday last Thursday. It has been so fun to watch her and "the big kids" tell people all over town that she is 2 now. She can even say "It is my birthday". It is becoming more clear that she is going to be left handed which her left-handed mommy loves. She can only hold up her two fingers on her left hand. Lydia took her first trip to the dentist on her birthday and visited the pediatrician the next day. She is off the chart for her height and did not have to get any shots this time.

Yesterday we went to get some pictures taken to mark this milestone. It was lots of fun to watch her warm up to the photographer and start to own the camera. We stopped to buy her first package of big girl panties afterward and she was proud as punch to show them off at home to the rest of the family. She is so grown up and it all happened so fast.

I can't remember when I started thinking about being a stay-at-home mom. It was during college at some point. I do remember having conversations with Tyrone while we were dating and he didn't really see why I would want to do that. After all, I was pursuing a college degree and I was a pretty successful athlete by the end of college. (Now I don't think he could imagine me doing anything else.) After a few years in the work force it was becoming clear that I had the potential for management and ultimately running a company some day. I was coaching too and it was great. I was really coming into my own and developing a vision for my career, but in the back of my mind was still the desire to be at home full time with our children.

I got my wish about 5 and a half years ago and all I have to say is be careful what you wish for. It was really hard to make such a transition. It is still really hard if I am being honest. I did find part time coaching and teaching jobs that gave me a wonderful break from home and allowed me to further develop my aspirations of taking over the world. I loved coaching and working with young student-athletes. I loved the pursuit of success and helping young people pursue it as well. There was definitely a glass ceiling to my pursuits since I was only willing to do it part time in an effort to keep my stay-at-home mom status. It was also really easy to get so focused on "making a difference" that things at home would really suffer and I was making a difference - for the worse - with my own children. They are the ones God has entrusted to Tyrone and I to make the most difference with.

It has been almost 2 years since I have coached and any aspirations of being CEO of any company are like a childhood dream. I was reminded last night just how much I have to die to myself and my own ambitions in order to put my family first. It is so difficult some days to remember that this life is not about me and what I want. It is about glorifying God and honoring him no matter what I think I have to give up in the process. God has gifted this family to me. He has clearly directed me to give up my personal trainer hat for my potty trainer hat. There is no reward in watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and wiping a runny nose, but there is eternal value in being obedient to God's call for my life. There is great satisfaction in serving these little ones every day and making a home for Tyrone to come home to in spite of the challenges that it presents. There will be plenty of time for anything else I may want to do once this season of life is complete. As he has done so many times, God will present the next right opportunity when he sees fit. That is enough! His plan is enough because it is perfect and exactly what is best for me.

I can't imagine not being here to have these moments with Lydia. I can't imagine not being home with the kids after school to hear first hand how the day was. God is changing my perspective to see that I get to be a coach every day right here in my own home. He is teaching me how to be the kind of coach my "athletes" need not the kind of coach I thought I wanted to be. The coach I need to be is SO MUCH BETTER than the coach I wanted to be because it is drawing me closer to my Savior. It is helping me be more like Christ as Paul talks about in Philippians 2:3-13.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

6 Who, being in very nature God,

    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;

7 rather, he made himself nothing

    by taking the very nature of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.

8 And being found in appearance as a man,

    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
        even death on a cross!

9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place

    and gave him the name that is above every name,

10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,

    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

11 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,

    to the glory of God the Father.

12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

"Enough" by Christ Tomlin http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHEm-b4IRYk