It has been so long since I have written something for me. Time escapes me most days. I have a lot to show for each day, but it never feels like enough since the to-do list is unfinished. The past couple of years have been filled with outrageous circumstances and story after story of things I could not have imagined my life would ever be.
Tonight I finished my practice plan and was organizing my Google drive. Organizing electronic files gives me some sense of satisfaction. I came across a blog post from 2017 right before I started graduate school. That was over 4 years ago. We have now lived in NW Arkansas for 10 years and my life lived in other places has become more and more distant. As I read through that blog post which detailed my decision to quit my job and go to graduate school, I started to cry. Those words are just as true today as they were the day I wrote them, but they felt like they came from someone else. What I believe remains the same, but it has been tested and challenged. There are more scars now. I have deconstructed everything I was taught and thought I knew about Christianity. I have detached myself from Christian culture in order to search for God alone and the person of Jesus.
I sure did need those words today from my younger self. I wrote them at the beginning of my deconstruction. As I reconstruct, they remind me of the deep love I felt from my heavenly Father. They give me hope that I can continue to love like Jesus as I raise children, work full-time (plus a part-time job), fight for my marriage (tomorrow marks 20 years), and daily live in a beautiful, cruel world.
If you are wondering what I wrote, please read the following paragraphs. I hope they encourage you the way they encouraged me tonight. The blog was inspired by the lyrics in "Trust in You" by Lauren Dagle.
"I want what you want, Lord, and nothing less."
I must confess that what God wants for me is actually better than what I want for me. I am a planner and a fixer. I am confident in my ability to make a good decision. I like being in charge and in control. Last fall I was feeling neither of these. I had a lunch meeting set on a Monday and I had a lot to talk about with a dear friend. She is a great encourager and helps me sort through the whirlwind inside my head and heart. As God would have it, she had to cancel that day and I was not happy. I needed someone to talk to so badly, but pretty quickly the Holy Spirit said “You have me and that’s all you need.” So I walked and prayed. It was that day when graduate school came to mind for the first time in a long time. I knew it was time to make a change. I could feel the Spirit saying it is time to make the next move toward the plans I have for you, but I had to be willing to confess that what God wanted me to do was better than what I was currently doing and the plans I had been crafting (all in his name of course).
I must acknowledge the fears that rage inside my heart and mind. Oh my goodness, the fear is real. Fear paralyzes a person, but courage liberates a person to become all she was created to be. The next couple weeks that followed that prayer walk were excruciating. The reality of the presidential election was devastating to our household, but God used it to move me to action. It was a catalyst – a wakeup call - to remember I serve a sovereign God, my hope is in Christ alone, and I was created to change the world. I grieved as though someone had died. I cried more in the month of November than I had the previous 2 years combined. God was uprooting fear that was buried deep in my heart. He was refining me and preparing me for the next leg of my journey with him. I began to see clearly the purpose in “random” conversations and new, unlikely relationships. I learned the value of brutal honesty and having hard conversations. There was peace when I said it was time to quit my job out loud to my pastor. I loved my job as the Director of Children’s Ministry at our church, but it was time to allow someone else the opportunity to serve in that role. Then came the fear of what that actually meant. I had to give up this perceived power and influence I had. I had to give up my paycheck. I had to admit that some else could do the job better than me. I knew it was time to go despite the fear of answering people’s questions about what I was doing next with “I don’t know, but God does.”
The frequency of conversations about graduate school increased between Tyrone and I. I talked to some other professors about my ideas and options. I began to study for the GRE. I remember the night I chose a date and paid for the GRE…it was so surreal. I sat in that test with confidence and walked out with a good score. I applied to the University of Arkansas graduate school and ordered my transcripts from the University of South Carolina. The email came one afternoon with the subject line You Have Been Admitted! Now I have a graduate assistantship which will pay 100% of my tuition and pays a stipend. God is proving time and time again that I have nothing to fear when I follow the path he has marked out for me.
I must trust that God, who spoke the universe into existence and knit me together in my mother’s womb, loves me beyond all measure. I can trust a God who loves me. A God who loves me unconditional because of the shed blood of Jesus Christ will not lead me astray even if I can’t see what is next. His fierce love for me is enough to lead me to do what is otherwise impossible. Going back to school seemed impossible, but here I am registered for classes holding my student ID a month before my 39th birthday. Walking away from a job without a plan was crazy, but I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt it was right and God would provide everything we needed. There is certainty in the midst of uncertainty when it’s God’s hand you are holding.
He has a BIG plan for me. I have believed that for nearly 10 years and I am patiently anticipating the day when I will be able to see the plan complete. I can taste it. I can feel it. I have learned to be content knowing that God does not delay and each day is preparing me for the next. It is more true today than yesterday, and I will continue tomorrow to want what you want Lord and nothing less!
