His hands are holding me!

"Please don't fight these hands that are holding you." These are incredibly powerful lyrics I discovered today in the song "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFvQQt6Nbh8&NR=1&feature=endscreen

God is enough! God is everything I need. God is everything I could ever want. But do live that way everyday? Most days? At least some days? This week has been a pretty good one. Other than news at the periodontist on Monday that I need to have a tooth pulled and a screw put in its place that will hold a new crown, I am just cruising along. It's not how we wanted to spend the remainder of our tax return, but God has provided a way to pay for that. God reminded me this morning that these are the weeks when I should be seeking him the most. I should be approaching him throneroom of grace with my praises and my "I can do this myself" ideas. I am so excited to say I am doing just that. I am at his feet looking up at his face for my direction. Even better than that, when I fall and mess this up, he will be by my side to pick me up and set me back on the right path again.

I am overflowing with thoughts and ideas about how God is using me here in NW Arkansas. Last Friday our whole family delivered a meal to a family in our elementary school whom we have adopted. We hope to not just provide meals for this family, but build a relationship with them. Ultimately, we want to be the hands and feet of Jesus to this family. What a strange concept in our world today to build relationships with people who are "not like us." It is a little awkward, but God is strong enough to carry us through the awkward.

I was so overwhelmed by the living conditions this family was in. My heart broke when the little girl recognized us. Her eyes were bigger and brighter than any star in the sky at that moment. She was so thrilled that her classmate came over to play. After we got home, I spent most of the night crying and I can't stop crying. Why have I never seen this before? I felt such a heavy burden to help this family and so many others like them. How could I ever think I don't have enough? Why do we live in a world that seems to be content with forgetting about the people in our communities who are hurting and hungry? How could I be so selfish to have ever ignored this or pointed a finger of blame? It is so easy to turn a blind eye and go about our lives. I cannot do that any longer. I cannot stop crying.

I begin to think about the chain of events that one act of obedience could start. What could God do through me to bring people to himself? What could a hot meal, a warm smile, and a few kind words do? I can't describe it, but I have started seeing people differently. People in the store. People at the park. People everywhere I go. My eyes are opening to a greater reality. To a greater purpose for this life. To a greater understanding of the relationship God wants to have with each one of us.

I must keep talking about this. I must keep seeking God's direction. I must be obedient to him in my marriage and with my children. I must take action because I can't stop crying. If I stop crying, my heart will no longer break for the people God wants to touch through me. And when I get scared, what then? What if it is awkward or someone doesn't like me? I must remember that Jesus is by my side. He has covered it all. He knows. He will never let me go. His hands are holding me.

I must share His truth with the lost and hopeless so they know Jesus' hands can always hold one more.

In Sickness and in Health

I have learned something new about being a wife in the past week. Tyrone had surgery last Wednesday to have his wisdom teeth removed. I wasn't quite prepared for what I would experience. We all have certain perceptions of the people in our lives. I was forced to see Tyrone in a different light which turned some of my perceptions on their ear.

He has never had surgery of any kind, therefore, never been under anesthesia. He was concerned about that , but was otherwise pretty calm (on the exterior anyway) about the procedure. We prayed over him as a family Tuesday night, and I prayed after he went back to the "operating room." Lydia and I played in the waiting room until the nurse came out to let me know Tyrone was finished and we could drive to the back door to pick him up. When we loaded Tyrone into the van, he seemed fairly alert and in good spirits. That didn't last long. He fell asleep before we were half way home (less than 15 minute ride). His face was wrapped in a elastic sling with pouches for ice packs. He looked a little pasty from surgery. He was quite swollen and a little bloody even. I was not prepared to see my husband like this, but there he was sitting next to me completely in my care.

He went straight to bed when we arrived home. A couple hours later he had taken his meds and I had fed him a few spoonfuls of vanilla yogurt. Opening his mouth, even slightly, was challenging and swallowing was very difficult. I am completely comfortable feed a baby, but feeding my husband under these circumstances was difficult. My perception of my strong husband was being shaken. By late afternoon he had "thawed out" and the pain was on him like gang busters. He didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. It was bad. There go my perceptions again. I was helpless to help him. I could only be there with him through it. He improved as the day turned into night enough to lay on the couch for a couple hours before our usual bedtime. Unfortunately, that was more than his body was ready for and he got sick. This was another stretch for me since I don't handle bodily fluids very well.

As we settled into bed, finally, I realized this is a good albeit simple example of "for better or worse" and "in sickness and in health". My perceptions of my strong, brave husband were temporarily non-applicable. He was vulnerable and very much dependent on me to take care of him. It happened naturally though. He trusted me to be there for him and do what needed to be done. I was happy to do whatever he needed, but it took some adjustment and I was not comfortable seeing him like this. Tyrone has seen me in this vulnerable, helpless place a number of time. I have delivered 3 babies with no epidural, had laproscopic surgery, and a few other things. I, on the other hand, am fairly inexperienced since he has only had a sprained ankle and the flu a few times.

I have a new appreciation for couples who go through far greater circumstances these. It is a true test of our love and commitment to our spouse and our marriage vows.  I don't know what other challenges we will face as husband and wife, but I know God will see us through. I know he will give us the abilities, whatever they might be, to help each other through anything from wisdom teeth "'til death do us part."

Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to beomce a better wife. I am humbled that only now have my wedding vows become so relevant. Please use this experience to draw us closer together and closer to you. Thank you for the gift of my husband, and forgive me when I fail to see him or treat him as a precious gift from you. Lead me in the path of the Proverbs 31 wife.

Proverbs 31:10-12, 23, 27-29
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
...
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
...
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
Amen.

We don't have to do this alone

On January 29 our  church started a two week event called, "Setting the Course" in the effort of seeking God's direction for our church, families and the community for 2012. We were asked to fast from something and pray. Tyrone and I decided to fast through lunch everyday. Food is very important to us and we can get very undisciplined so it seemed like something worth going without in an effort to rely on God through the hunger.

After preparing lunch for Maiesha and Lydia on about day 3, I sat down to a growling stomach that would not recieve food for several hours. In those moments, my eyes were opened. Some people experience this feeling on a consistant basis with little to no relief and many of those people are children. They don't have a refrigerator and pantry full of food. Then the question popped into my head. What can I do to change that for at least one person or family? The answer came as quickly as the rumbling in my stomach. Our family can adopt a family to whom we can provide a weekly home-cooked meal to help ease the hunger they experience. We could also, hopefully, develop a relationship with this family to love on them and share the good news of Jesus to strengthen their faith or lead them to it. I contacted Jeremiah's elementary school principal to see if she could connect us to a family in the school. She and I have talked and hope that eventually other families will volunteer to do what we are doing.

As I continue to seek God's purpose for me and our family here in NW Arkansas, he has revealed a common thread about the people I interact with in all my spheres of influence. Generally speaking, families, especially women, are very isolated and often lonely. I know I have experienced this myself. We don't like being that way, but we become "paralyzed" believing the lie that we are the only person feeling this way. Therefore, people don't ask for help or seek friendship. We pull up our boot straps, as the saying goes, and say I can do this on my own. God has planted me here to begin to draw people out of the isolated, lonely place they have becoming uncomfortably comfortable in to see that God has created us to be in relationship with him and the people around us.

I have stay-at-home moms over for lunch once a month. These women are from our church, the University, preschool, dance class, elementary school or our neighborhood.  I can say hello to people who seem to be having a bad day and maybe start a conversation to encourage them. I stop what I am doing to pray for someone that comes to mind or maybe a complete stranger I pass while walking in the park. As I see trouble in this world I MUST continue to ask the question, "What can I do to change that?" and as soon as the answer comes I MUST act.

When did asking for help become such a bad thing. I struggle with it for something as simple as childcare when I have a doctor's appointment. I allow my pride to get in the way of allowing another person the opportunity to pour into my life. God wants us to come him with EVERYTHING to develop an intimate relationship with him, and yet we edit our requests to "the most urgent or important." He wants us to love others as imitators of Christ's love toward us - even sacrificing our own agenda for the sake of others. Love isn't an emotional reaction to a sad story. Love is expressed through our actions. "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality." (Romans 12:9-13)

"Jesus replied, “The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The LORD our God is the one and only LORD. And you must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength. The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. No other commandment is greater than these.” (Mark 12:29-31)

Dear Lord, mobilize your people to see the world as you see it and respond to the needs of our communities. Give us courage to reach beyond our comfort zone to people and places we can't  connect with under our own strength. Give us courage to ask for help when we need it and not be ashamed when we do ask. Show me how I can meet the physical needs of others so hearts will be opened to the spiritual need for a savior and relationship with You. Let each person who claims the name of Jesus be moved to action for your glory and so souls with be won to your kingdom. I pray against the spirits of apathy, fear, rejection, and selfishness. In the name of Jesus, I pray against satan's influence to divide and isolate people who need relationship and compassion. I claim the power of the name of Jesus and it is in his name alone I pray! Amen

"Give Me Your Eyes" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5AkNqLuVgY&ob=av2e
by Brandon Heath

While I am Waiting

I am not a very patient person of my own abilities. God has been working on me in that area for quite a few years now. I have come a long way, but he is not finished with me yet. Thank goodness!

I go through seasons of waiting in my life where I believe God is teaching me to wait for him and his perfect timing. One of the most valuable things I have learned through these seasons is that I must continue to obey, serve, and worship Him while I wait. I confess it is easier to pout, sit idle, and complain, but that is useless and a huge waste of time. The song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller reminded me of that this morning. Check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFwZ7Ekg080

One of the most difficult periods of waiting I have gone through started in 2009. That summer Tyrone had "finally" decided he was ok with the possibility of having a third child. I was thrilled. I made an appointment with our primary care physician for a physical and so I could be referred to an OB/GYN since I didn't have one in Evansville yet. After seeing our PCP I had to wait a full month for the appointment with the OB/GYN. This would delay my plans to get pregnant ASAP, but there was nothing I could do. In mid July I went in for the routine visit with the OB/GYN and to have my IUD (our method of baby prevention) removed so I could get pregnant. My pap smear test results came back unfavorably showing that I had precancerous cells on my cervix. I would have to have a LEEP (acronym for something) procedure done to remove these precancerous cells. I was scared about the possibility of cancer, and equally as concerned that, due to the LEEP procedure, I would not be able to carry a pregnancy to full term.

I quickly got pregnant in September 2009 about 1 month after having the LEEP. I was referred to another OB/GYN at that time because the one who did the LEEP was no longer delivering babies. (That was one of the blessings in this process.) At about 5 1/2 weeks I dreamed I miscarried the baby. Shortly after that I began bleeding and an ultrasound at 8 weeks confirmed that I did have a miscarriage. I was devastated. Both pregnancies with Jeremiah and Maiesha went flawlessly. Why me, why now. Clearly God had more for me to do and learn before becoming a mother of 3. He got my attention with the precancerous cells. I needed to keep up with the necessary preventative care so I could take care of the family he had already given me. For the spring semester 2010 he would continue to teach me about healthy eating and exercise habits while I set and reached a weight loss goal with my students at the University. This meant I was well within the normal healthy range for BMI and body fat % by the time I would get pregnant with Lydia.  I had a terrible accident in February while opening a can of green beans that resulted in 6 stitches in my right index finger. I all but passed out that day and being pregnant would have really complicated the matter.

April came and went and we had just celebrated Jeremiah's 5th birthday when pregnancy struck again. At 5 weeks, miscarriage also struck again and God said it's not time yet. Throughout May some wonderful things happened. I continued to be cancer free with repeated follow up pap smears. I learned of an opportunity to take a part time job as the strength and conditioning coach for the UE women's basketball team. We also moved from our 910 square foot rental house to a 1280 square foot rental house right across the street. I was able to give it a fresh coat of paint before we moved in and it was the largest house we had ever lived in.

We began the month of June pretty certain I would be working with the women's basketball team, a dream come true job with great hours to keep up with being a wife/mom and my teaching load. Then pregnancy struck again, but this time it was here to stay. We traveled to South Carolina for our annual visit, but had to keep our secret from everyone except Tyrone's mom. We didn't want to get people's hopes up, or our own, until we got through the first ultrasound at 8 weeks. I spent the summer tired and sick, coaching, and hanging out with Jeremiah and Maiesha. We were preparing Jeremiah for kindergarten and Maiesha for another year of preschool. When the new semester began we broke the news to everyone that I was 16 weeks pregnant and due February 7, 2011. During that week, baby Washington became everyone's baby and she had the love and adoration of a whole college campus who anxiously awaited her arrival.

Everytime I look at Lydia I am reminded of God's timing and the undeniable fact that his ways are not my ways (Isaiah 55:8-9). He is faithful! God taught me endless lessons through the year and a half of waiting for Lydia's arrival, but it was worth the wait. Now I better understand the waiting process as I work through it again and again in so many areas of my life.

I still grieve the two babies we lost, but I believe I will meet them in heaven one day and that makes me smile.

My Noble Effort

I heard a woman talk about how her past has shaped her present Monday night. Much of the past was unpleasant, difficult and kept her from expereincing all that God had for her. She has found victory over her past through her relationship with Jesus Christ, but she still struggles sometimes over the hurt and pain of those past experiences. After she spoke, I had some time to sit with a few other women and talk about things from our past that we struggle with today.

I have really been battling my marriage relationship with my husband. I sense the past from both of our lives creeping in to cause trouble in the present. Since I like to fix things and find solutions (sometimes forcing solution then getting frustrated when the other person doesn't want my solutions), Tyrone and I butt heads on some issues. It's not that we don't love each other or that we don't want to spend our lives together. It's just that we don't see eye to eye on how to handle everything. Our past experience and individual opinions get in the way of allowing God to have his way in our marriage.

Well as I prayed and agonized over this last week, I realized I am not accepting God's love when I try to "take control" of my marriage. I am, in fact, rejecting God's love in my noble effort to fix our relationship and make my husband into the man God wants him to be. Oops...maybe the man I want him to be. Although "husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25) is the instruction Tyrone is supposed to follow, my obedience to God and submission to my husband is not conditional on how good of a job I think Tyrone is doing. My job, the only thing I can control, is a few verses earlier in Ephesians 5:22-24. "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."

If I focus on accepting God's love and resting in Him, I can be the wife I am supposed to be. Not the worrisome and manipulative wife I become when I don't trust God. He is working in Tyrone just like he is working in me. I don't have to police their relationship as though I have something to offer that God has not already thought of. I can be the wife and helpmate my husband needs when I "speak the truth in love" (Ephesian 4:14-16) which only comes out when I am following God's lead. I confess I try to jump to the front of the line all too often.

It's amazing how much more peaceful life is when I am trusting God for my marriage relationship. Sure we still have disagreements, but the shed blood of Jesus Christ is enough. The love of my Heavenly Father and Husband is enough when my earthly husband falls short of my expectations. God's discipline will pull me back in when my expectations are not realistic and unreasonable. God's forgiveness and grace cover my poor choices and give me eternal hope.

And as Paul prayed for the Ephesians, I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen [me] with power through his Spirit in [my] inner being, so that Christ may dwell in [my] heart through faith. And I pray that [I], being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that [I] may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God(Ephesians 3:16-19).