I want what
you want Lord and nothing less!
I found
these words tucked inside a beautiful song (“Trust in You” by Lauren Daigle) I
have been listening to lately. I have listened to the song over a dozen times,
but only just caught this line tonight as I sat on my front porch and the rain
began to sprinkle down on me. Oh how I want these words to be true of me. Oh
how I want them to be the legacy I leave behind.
So what will
it take for these words to be true? I think I will use the old "3 points and a
poem" routine to answer that question today so I can attempt to share a few of
the thoughts swirling around in my head.
Point 1: I must
confess that what God wants for me is actually better than what I want for me.
I am a planner and a fixer. I am confident in my ability to make a good
decision. I like being in charge and in control. Last fall I was feeling
neither of these. I had a lunch meeting set on a Monday and I had a lot to talk
about with a dear friend. She is a great encourager and helps me sort through
the whirlwind inside my head and heart. As God would have it, she had to cancel
that day and I was not happy. I needed someone to talk to so badly, but pretty
quickly the Holy Spirit said “You have me and that’s all you need.” So I walked
and prayed. It was that day when graduate school came to mind for the first
time in a long time. I knew it was time to make a change. I could feel the Spirit
saying it is time to make the next move toward the plans I have for you, but I had
to be willing to confess that what God wanted me to do was better than what I was
currently doing and the plans I had been crafting (all in his name of course).
Point 2: I must
acknowledge the fears that rage inside my heart and mind. Oh my goodness, the
fear is real. Fear paralyzes a person, but courage liberates a person to become
all she was created to be. The next couple weeks that followed that prayer walk
were excruciating. The reality of the presidential election of was devastating
to our household, but God used it to move me to action. It was a catalyst – a wakeup
call - to remember I serve a sovereign God, my hope is in Christ alone, and I was
created to change the world. I grieved as though someone had died. I cried more
in the month of November than I had the previous 2 years combined. God was
uprooting fear that was buried deep in my heart. He was refining me and
preparing me for the next leg of my journey with him. I began to see clearly
the purpose in “random” conversations and new, unlikely relationships. I
learned the value of brutal honesty and having hard conversations. There was peace
when I said it was time to quit my job out loud to my pastor. I loved my job as
the Director of Children’s Ministry at our church, but it was time to allow
someone else the opportunity to serve in that role. Then came the fear of what
that actually meant. I had to give up this perceived power and influence I had.
I had to give up my paycheck. I had to admit that some else could do the job
better than me. I knew it was time to go despite the fear of answering people’s
questions about what I was doing next with “I don’t know, but God does.”
The
frequency of conversations about graduate school increased between Tyrone and
I. I talked to some other professors about my ideas and options. I began to study
for the GRE. I remember the night I chose a date and paid for the GRE…it was so
surreal. I sat in that test with confidence and walked out with a good score. I
applied to the University of Arkansas graduate school and ordered my transcripts
from the University of South Carolina. The email came one afternoon with the
subject line You Have Been Admitted! Now I have a graduate assistantship which
will pay 100% of my tuition and pays a stipend. God is proving time and time
again that I have nothing to fear when I follow the path he has marked out for
me.
Point 3: I must
trust that God, who spoke the universe into existence and knit me together in
my mother’s womb, loves me beyond all measure. I can trust a God who loves me.
A God who loves me unconditional because of the shed blood of Jesus Christ will
not lead me astray even if I can’t see what is next. His fierce love for me is
enough to lead me to do what is otherwise impossible. Going back to school
seemed impossible, but here I am registered for classes holding my student ID a
month before my 39th birthday. Walking away from a job without a
plan was crazy, but I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt it was right and God
would provide everything we needed. There is certainty in the midst of
uncertainty when it’s God’s hand you are holding.
He has a BIG
plan for me. I have believed that for nearly 10 years and I am patiently
anticipating the day when I will be able to see the plan complete. I can taste
it. I can feel it. I have learned to be content knowing that God does not delay
and each day is preparing me for the next. It is more true today than
yesterday, and I will continue tomorrow to want what you want Lord and nothing
less!
I promised 3
points and a poem so what poem do I pick?
You split
the sea so I could walk right through it.
You drown my
fears in perfect love.
You rescued
me and I will stand and sing.
I am a child
of God! Yes I am! I am a child of God!
Not exactly
a poem, but profound lyrics from Bethel Music’s “No Longer Slaves (Live)”.
