There is no color blindness in my house

I wrote the following in June 2017- 3 years ago. It seems important to share it now for my white friends and family who may have questions, fears, and concerns about the current status of racial injustice in the United States. This is so much more important to me now than when I wrote it. I spend 2 1/2 years in graduate school since writing this growing my knowledge and vocabulary to be able to teach my children and have good conversations with anyone. Now I have two teenagers and most days I hesitate to let them go out into the world on their own for fear of what they may face any given day. I invite your questions and comments as long as you lead with love and compassion.

Written June 20, 2017...

What is your favorite color? Mine is most any shade of teal. I love it with white in a chevron pattern. I love in in the ocean’s waves of the Caribbean next to the tan sand. I love it next to red in my daughter’s new outfit. I have a pair of teal high heels that I love to pair with navy blue or orange. I just can’t get enough of it. I didn’t really even notice this color until a few years ago, but now I can’t image my wardrobe or life without it. What if I were color blind and unable to distinguish the infinite array of colors God created for us to enjoy. His creativity is limitless and I am so thankful that I get to experience the richness of color every day.

So how did we ever become convinced that colorblindness related to race and ethnicity was a correct path to follow? I think some people had genuine, good intentions when they (whoever they are) thought colorblindness was a good approach to “fix” racism in the United States. To attempt to look at another person and convince yourself that you do not see the color of their skin is silly. What we most often intend by the noble statement, “I teach my kids to be color blind.” is we don’t judge people’s actions by the color of their skin. Unfortunately, in a country like ours where there has always existed a dominate Caucasian culture within the power structure as well as the history of African-American enslavement and oppression our statement of colorblindness leads us to devalue and dismiss the culture and influence of a beautifully diverse group of people who like ALL people was and is created in the image of God. Just like all the shades of teal that I love so much, God deliberately created every shade of skin to demonstrate who he is and bring glory to his name through the thousands of shades of people he placed on this earth.

You may argue that you are very careful to not judge people by the color of their skin. I think I am careful too, but honestly I do it too, and I am married to a black man. I look at him and see the beauty of his skin color. I see what a gorgeous shade of brown we created in our 4 kids. I am attracted to him, in part because of the color of his skin, but when he says or does something that I don’t like or don’t understand, there are ideas that pop into my head that say “that is how black people are” or “that’s what’s wrong with black people”. Oh my goodness…how is that possible? We have been married for nearly 16 years and known each other for 20 years. How is it possible that these kinds of thoughts run through my head about my partner in life?

Let’s me explain! I have begun to learn about the concept of implicit bias. It is something that exists in us all and it very obviously applies to our discussions about race relations. “Thoughts and feelings are “implicit” if we are unaware of them or mistaken about their nature. We have a bias when, rather than being neutral, we have a preference for (or aversion to) a person or group of people. Thus, we use the term “implicit bias” to describe when we have attitudes towards people or associate stereotypes with them without our conscious knowledge. A fairly commonplace example of this is seen in studies that show that white people will frequently associate criminality with black people without even realizing they’re doing it. (https://perception.org/research/implicit-bias/)

In the book “Good Faith” by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lions they give an example of implicit bias. “Gabe is over six feet tall and pretty broad across the shoulders, but he has probably never been referred to or even thought of as a big scary white dude. But ‘big scary black dude’ just sounds normal. That’s implicit bias.”

This was the description provided in some of the media coverage surrounding the shooting of Terence Crutcher in Tulsa, OK last year. Whatever you think about the topic of police brutality and the shooting of black people, think for a moment about how implicit bias would cause a person to respond differently based on the color of another’s skin.

The “Good Faith” authors go on to explain, “The only remedy for people of good faith is for us to intentionally become aware of our unconscious biases with help of a diverse Christian community.”

“The problem for the church is that many (if not most) Christian communities in the United States are homogenous – that is, not diverse at all. And layered atop the problem of most churches’ ethnic homogeneity is the popular idea that the “good Christian” thing to do is to practice colorblindness – where we ignore differences all together. Out of a sincerely good intention to judge others “not by the color of their skin but the content of their character,” as Martin Luther King Jr. challenged, white people often make an effort to see everyone the same – at least consciously. But colorblindness does not make space for people to appreciate different social narratives and cultural expressions.” (Good Faith, Ch 12)

Our elementary school has the distinction of being a “Leader in Me” school. The principles are adapted for kids from Steven Covey’s “7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. Habit 5 is “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” This is similar to James 1:19-20 (NLT) where James says, “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.” Based on this habit and Biblical command, let’s approach everyone, especially those who are different from us, with a listening ear ready to understand their perspective first. I define listening for my children as a two-part process. You must first hear what the person said and then respond with as appropriate action. If I am attempting to be kind and compassionate, my appropriate action will at the very least be delivered in love. Then whether I agree or disagree I am treating he/she with respect because we are both human beings created in the image of God.

So let’s make a real effort to make margin in our lives and our schedules to welcome people in who look and live differently from ourselves. It may be a bit scary, but I promise it will only serve to enhance your life and grow your knowledge and understand of who God is. And as a follower of Jesus Christ, it is my responsibility to demonstrate God’s love to ALL tribes, nations, ethnicities and languages so his name will be made great and more people will know and worship him. And just like my new favorite color brings joy to my life, the addition of a variety of people will bring so much more.

The Blessing of Quarantine

Where do I begin? Right now it’s hard for me to remember what time it is. Is it morning or afternoon? Is it dinner time or time for bed? As time progresses, I know it will be tough to recall if it is a week day or the weekend. It is hard to get motivated to get out of bed with no school, no classes to attend, and no practices to get to in the evenings.

I realized a couple days ago that this coach needs a coach. This person who makes a living out of motivating others to be their best, now seeks motivation. As a coach, I always tell my athletes that we are preparing them for life far beyond the game, far beyond the field of play. We’re preparing them for life after their ball stopping bouncing. In a way, everyone’s ball has stopped bouncing thanks to Covid-19. It was unexpected and we didn’t have any time to prepare. We didn’t get a say in the matter, and we didn’t get to think it over first. However, I already see so much beauty from the ashes of our current predicament. Every day there is something to be thankful for – something that seems found after being lost for so long. I am learning to coach myself. We are learning to self-motivate to do the things that are important to us. We are learning to love each other in the face of uncertainty and the complete unknown.

Sunday all six of us sat in our living room to attend church via Facebook Live. This was our first time ever. It’s not that we haven’t had chances to do this before, but it was never necessary and it was fine to miss a Sunday here or there. This time it felt like a desperate move toward connection and reassurance that God is still in control. With tears streaming down my face, I sang along with the last two worship songs. My heart was so full as our family listened to a message, not out of religious obligation or because it's what we are supposed to do, but because it brought an hour of normalcy and hope.

We have been given permission (or perhaps we have been thrown out) to step out of the overwhelming current of life. We stand on the banks of the river and reflect. It is the scariest thing to look at the current continue to flow by us. But wait! The current has stopped too. In fact, the river is receding. We have been given a gift to evaluate the load we have been carrying for a lifetime. We have worked so hard to keep everything balanced on our small raft as the current carried us. It was the current of social pressure and the American dream. It was the current of living up to unrealistic expectations. It was the current of unfair comparison. It was the current of “I’m not good enough”.

Let’s seize this moment to start fresh. Let’s look at our load and see what we can leave on the shore when we launch our boat back into the river. What was I carrying that I no longer need? What treasure was I carrying buried under the clutter that I can now hold tight to my chest? That thing or person gives me courage and strength to press on. What or who is so important that I am compelled to get back in the river to help change the current?

A few nights ago I dreamed that we went back to the Isle of Palms and rented the same beach house that we stayed in when we went to South Carolina for Tyrone’s mom’s funeral a year ago. In my dream, it was so good to be back there. The beach is our safe place and that house is forever a part of our story given the purpose it served. I called friends and invited them to join us at the beach house. It felt like home. I shared that dream with my family and the friend who joined us in the dream. It symbolizes peace, a calm in the storm. A place of refuge. It represents that relationships matter most and God is faithful to comfort us when we need it the most. It makes me raise my hands and shout AMEN.

“AMEN” by Micah Tyler https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-R3CPMfW2wc

We WILL keep fighting FOR our family and our community every day. We WILL keep getting out of bed when it seems like it doesn’t matter. We WILL keep doing “crisis schooling” because education still brings freedom. We WILL keep training and getting our shots up in the driveway because our physical health is critical and our kids have big goals to play college basketball on day. We WILL learn to do new things and remember to laugh at our failures because they are simply opportunities for growth. We WILL say I’m sorry when we mess up. We WILL extend grace and forgiveness in the worst circumstances because that’s what Jesus has done for us.

I WILL keep coaching myself and anyone else God puts in my path because that is who HE designed me to be.

God bless you! May HOPE rise in you today.