What We Need

Yesterday was a big day for our family. All five of us went to my ultrasound appointment to see if we are having a boy or a girl. We are 20 weeks along so they would also be looking for all the anatomy - internal and external. They kids were so excited. They loved seeing the spine and little waving hands. We saw a cute profile and a skinny little booty. All of this was just the opening act for what they really wanted to see however. Jeremiah and Maiesha were looking for some little boy parts. Unfortunately for them we did not discover any boy parts. We discovered the opposite in fact. We discovered that we are having a girl. 

Jeremiah was devastated. He so desperately wanted a little brother. He was sobbing and then Maiesha started to cry too. She thought a boy would be good since we have enough girls in our family already. I think she was being considerate of her brother’s hope for a boy too. When I was finally able to sit with Jeremiah, he immediately began to question our decision to have another baby. I tried to explain that this was not our plan, an "accident" in fact, but he didn’t understand that very well and my explanation was lacking. He kept saying we should have gone to the orphanage so we could have guaranteed a brother for him.

We went on to have lunch at Chick-fil-a to celebrate the news. At this point it was more of a means to console them and get their mind off the subject. As they ate I started to share the news with family and friends. This fueled Jeremiah’s emerging anger. It was my fault that we were not having a boy. Somehow I had secretly wanted a girl and just never told him. His attitude was in the tank and he wanted to lash out at anyone to help himself feel better about this tragic news.

We went to Walmart to grab a couple things including pink cupcakes. He wanted blue or red. We did finally settle on a package with pink and green. We looked a little girl baby clothes and took pictures to post on Facebook to share the news. We found an outfit with blue and green flowers and talked about this sister liking those colors instead of pink. After grabbing a gallon of milk, we just stood in the isle and I hugged him while he cried. He was worried that he wouldn't like this baby. The only girls he could like were Maiesha and Lydia. In the check out line he even said I should have prayed and asked God for a boy. When I told him I did actually pray for that, he came back with "Well you didn't pray hard enough then." 

As I watched Jeremiah go through this experience yesterday, I could not help but see how we all behave this way when we don't get what we want. We question God's commitment to us. We hurt others to pass along our pain. We think about what we or someone else could have done differently to get the "right" outcome. We grieve as though we have lost something (even though it was never ours to begin with).

My challenge is to learn how to trust God when I encounter these situations in my own life for my own sake and even more difficult, to teach my children to trust Him when they don't get all they want. God lets me throw my tantrum. He holds me while I cry it out. He welcomes me to talk to him and express my anger. His shoulders are big enough to handle whatever I put on him. Then he disciplines me, refines me, comforts me and guides me to remember that he will ALWAYS give me exactly what I need even if it is not what I wanted (and what I thought I NEEDED).

The question is do I believe God. Not do I believe in God, but do I BELIEVE HIM. 

Philippians 4:19 (NIV) says, "My God will meet all your needs. He will meet them in keeping with his wonderful riches that come to you because you belong to Christ Jesus."

If I really believe that his Word is truth, then I should live in response to that truth and allow it to transform my perspective in every situation. If he is perfect, and always works toward what is best, then I can rest in the power and strength I have through Jesus Christ.

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV) says, "But he said to me, “My grace is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak.”

So I am very happy to brag about how weak I am. Then Christ’s power can rest on me."

I did a pretty good job of being patient with Jeremiah and comforting him as he grieved his "loss". I did have to discipline him at times, but I tried my best to do it with the understanding of why he was acting that way. By dinner time, he was smiling more and joking with his Dad about how good he is at making girls. He was still asking for another try (i.e. we have another baby after this one) or a trip to the orphanage, but he was clearly already starting to recover. We will devote some extra time to give him and Dad their "guy time" and making him feeling special, but I have confidence that God has given him another sister, given our family another girl, because that is exactly what we need.

A time to reflect

Do you ever stop and think about how you got to where you are today? Whether you are happy with your life today or not, do you think about the seasons you have gone through and marvel at all that you have experienced?

We have been in Fayetteville, AR for about a year and a half now, and it has been quite an adventure. I started to think about the reasons God brought us here. I always have a sense that each new encounter and every experience is a reason, but what are the big ones. If we were to leave this place tomorrow, what would I point to as the purpose of our time here. What are the lessons we have learned? Who are the people that have most influenced us? Who have we been able to encourage and point to Christ?

The first and most obvious to me is the new life growing inside of me. This child is evidence that God restores us and heals our brokenness. It is proof of new beginnings and big surprises. It is a clear example of the miracles that take place in our lives every day if we would just stop and take notice. This was so far from the plans Tyrone and I had for our family, but it makes more and more sense as we prepare for baby's arrival in 5 short months. It also makes me laugh, perhaps the same way Sarah laughed when God told her she would have a child in her old age. Not so ironically, God gave me a mentor who is a seasoned mother of 4 about 6 weeks before we discovered I was pregnant with our fourth child. You have to appreciate the foreshadowing.

As we prepared to leave Evansville, I remember sitting in the car in the parking lot of our church and saying it felt like God had used those 4 years to train us for something. We didn't know the specifics yet, but it was so true. He had grown us and taught us a lot about the Scriptures and our relationship with Him. He had given us boldness to share our faith and a better understand of biblical history which built our confidence in the TRUTH of God's Word. Now we are a part of an amazing, growing church where we can use that training to reach out to students and families in our community. As the children's ministry director, I am using so much of our Evansville experience to direct our curriculum and build a foundation for our precious children. We are focusing outwardly to reach people who don't have a relationship with Jesus Christ and working to equip and encourage those who do.

God has given us a beautiful home that we have shared with so many people. We have hosted families, students, stay-at-home moms and their kiddos, and a few out of town guests as well. It is something of a reward for living in less than ideal houses for a few years in order find and afford the perfect house for us here in Fayetteville. It has been special to watch our kids grow in this house and to be able to give them a yard to play in and rooms to decoration and enjoy.

Tyrone has been able to explore a new part of his career. He is learning to trust God like never before in the world of research and grant writing. He is working through the stress of all that comes in a larger department and university. He is learning how to connect with and invest in these students while missing our beloved Evansville students and colleagues. He is learning how to balance work and home so he can give his best in both places and understand the value he brings to both.

God is showing me there is life after coaching and how those skills and passions can be used at home and in ministry. He used this move to "take away" jobs I loved in order to show me how to love me job as a wife and a mom. He is teaching me how to be patient so I can get a glimpse of the bigger picture which will far exceed my own hopes and dreams. He is showing me how each season of my life is preparation for the next and how they will all add up to an amazing journey. He is giving me new relationships with other moms and students - not to replace the old ones - but to use past experiences to be an encourager in the new ones.

As I am sure I have shared before, my life verse is Psalm 25:4-5. It reads, "Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope in is you all day long."

Every day I pray this to open up my prayer time with God. I memorized this at the beginning of 2010 and it is a testament that God's Word does not return void (Isaiah 55:10-12) but accomplishes the great purpose for which he sent it. As we consider this season of life and prepare for a new season with baby Washington coming, "it is well with my soul" as I put my hope and trust in my Savior more each day.

"It is Well with My Soul" by Hillsong http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cv5V3bY6qlI

"Amazing Grace, My Chains are Gone" by Chris Tomlin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jbe7OruLk8I

I can't imagine...

We celebrated Lydia's 2nd birthday last Thursday. It has been so fun to watch her and "the big kids" tell people all over town that she is 2 now. She can even say "It is my birthday". It is becoming more clear that she is going to be left handed which her left-handed mommy loves. She can only hold up her two fingers on her left hand. Lydia took her first trip to the dentist on her birthday and visited the pediatrician the next day. She is off the chart for her height and did not have to get any shots this time.

Yesterday we went to get some pictures taken to mark this milestone. It was lots of fun to watch her warm up to the photographer and start to own the camera. We stopped to buy her first package of big girl panties afterward and she was proud as punch to show them off at home to the rest of the family. She is so grown up and it all happened so fast.

I can't remember when I started thinking about being a stay-at-home mom. It was during college at some point. I do remember having conversations with Tyrone while we were dating and he didn't really see why I would want to do that. After all, I was pursuing a college degree and I was a pretty successful athlete by the end of college. (Now I don't think he could imagine me doing anything else.) After a few years in the work force it was becoming clear that I had the potential for management and ultimately running a company some day. I was coaching too and it was great. I was really coming into my own and developing a vision for my career, but in the back of my mind was still the desire to be at home full time with our children.

I got my wish about 5 and a half years ago and all I have to say is be careful what you wish for. It was really hard to make such a transition. It is still really hard if I am being honest. I did find part time coaching and teaching jobs that gave me a wonderful break from home and allowed me to further develop my aspirations of taking over the world. I loved coaching and working with young student-athletes. I loved the pursuit of success and helping young people pursue it as well. There was definitely a glass ceiling to my pursuits since I was only willing to do it part time in an effort to keep my stay-at-home mom status. It was also really easy to get so focused on "making a difference" that things at home would really suffer and I was making a difference - for the worse - with my own children. They are the ones God has entrusted to Tyrone and I to make the most difference with.

It has been almost 2 years since I have coached and any aspirations of being CEO of any company are like a childhood dream. I was reminded last night just how much I have to die to myself and my own ambitions in order to put my family first. It is so difficult some days to remember that this life is not about me and what I want. It is about glorifying God and honoring him no matter what I think I have to give up in the process. God has gifted this family to me. He has clearly directed me to give up my personal trainer hat for my potty trainer hat. There is no reward in watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and wiping a runny nose, but there is eternal value in being obedient to God's call for my life. There is great satisfaction in serving these little ones every day and making a home for Tyrone to come home to in spite of the challenges that it presents. There will be plenty of time for anything else I may want to do once this season of life is complete. As he has done so many times, God will present the next right opportunity when he sees fit. That is enough! His plan is enough because it is perfect and exactly what is best for me.

I can't imagine not being here to have these moments with Lydia. I can't imagine not being home with the kids after school to hear first hand how the day was. God is changing my perspective to see that I get to be a coach every day right here in my own home. He is teaching me how to be the kind of coach my "athletes" need not the kind of coach I thought I wanted to be. The coach I need to be is SO MUCH BETTER than the coach I wanted to be because it is drawing me closer to my Savior. It is helping me be more like Christ as Paul talks about in Philippians 2:3-13.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

6 Who, being in very nature God,

    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;

7 rather, he made himself nothing

    by taking the very nature of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.

8 And being found in appearance as a man,

    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
        even death on a cross!

9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place

    and gave him the name that is above every name,

10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,

    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

11 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,

    to the glory of God the Father.

12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

"Enough" by Christ Tomlin http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHEm-b4IRYk