Chasing a Lion

     It has been nearly a year since I last wrote. It has been quite a year and my phrase for the year was “wait expectantly”. This year was full of great things and extremely difficult things. There have been lots of days that I just wanted to walk away from everything. I sense of value and purpose have been shaken. But tonight as I sang “O Holy Night” at our Christmas Eve serve I remembered this phrase and how God has showed up yet again in the midst of my unbelief. Let me rewind to the summer of 2016 to explain.

     I was reading the book In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day by Mark Batterson. (Read 2 Samuel 23: 20-23 from the Bible for the story.) The premise of the book was living a life conquering fear and chasing God sized dreams in the hopes of minimizing the regret that comes from not doing things we were meant to do. My boss at the time told me, as I described my enthusiasm for what I was reading, everyone he has known who has read that book quits their job to pursue something new. Little did I know I would be no different than those he spoke of. A few months later I knew it was time for me to leave my role as the Director of Children’s Ministry at our church.

     I took a giant leap of faith and was accepted to the Master’s program at the University of Arkansas in Public Health. I knew there were things I needed to learn in order to defeat the lion I was chasing. We are not supposed to chase lions though. We should run from lions. They are ferocious and people don’t pick fights with lions, but that is exactly what I was about to do.

     I began graduate school in August 2017 excited and scared to death. It had been 16 years since I graduated with my bachelor’s degree. There were quite a few nights crying on my couch doubting that I had made the right decision. It was difficult to attend evening classes, study and read on top of a part time job, volunteer coaching, parenting four kids, and being a supportive wife (I’m sure I left out a few things.). I was so afraid of failing and even more afraid of following through on this commitment I made to myself. I was toe to toe with that lion.

     To say that the last 2 ½ years has been challenging would be a gross understatement. Now in hindsight I truly see how hard this experience has been for our entire family. There are lots of scars from the fight with that lion. BUT…after I turned in my final project, I cried. I could not believe I had completed what I thought was impossible. It was so surreal to think about all the doubt and fear I had to overcome.

     Last Saturday I graduated! I debated going to the graduation ceremony. I wanted the closure that a celebration can provide, but I was worried about getting the kids up early and allowing them to sit alone while Tyrone escorted me on stage to receive my diploma. The lion won a lot of rounds this year and I didn’t know if I could risk all the things that could go wrong, but I had the gut feeling that we needed to do this. My children needed to see me walk across that stage. Tyrone and I needed to take that walk together. We settled the kids into their seats before 8am with a great view of the stage fully equipped with electronic devises and candy. Then we got in the long lines of 2,000 graduates ready to close one chapter and move to the next.

     The chancellor of the University began his inspirational speech to us. He highlighted the financial advantages of holding a degree(s) but more importantly the priceless value of knowing how to press outside our comfort zones and learn new things and be challenged by different ideas. Then he began to talk about regrets. He spoke of the sin of commission – things we did that we should not have. This was contrasted with the sin of omission – things we chose not to do that we should. This was the greater evil of the two. He challenged us to chase big dreams and conquer fears in order to make our mark on the world. This was exactly what I read back in 2016. God was confirming that I chased the lion and won. Attending the commencement ceremony was exactly what our family needed to close this most difficult and important chapter of our life. Not only did Tyrone escort me across the stage, but he made arrangements to present my diploma to me. Then after we shook hands he looked into my eyes and said “give me a kiss”. The audience cheered and in that moment we were the only people in Bud Walton Arena. Our children witnessed the whole thing. They understood that it was my day and they were proud to celebrate me.

     Now there is another lion to chase. I am taking on the role of Executive Director of the iYES Foundation (www.iyesfoundation.org). I will continue to teach at the University of Arkansas. I will continue to coach basketball and life. I will be serving children and families here in Northwest Arkansas as well as in The Bahamas (more to come with all of this) through education and sports. I will be a better wife and mom given what I have learned about myself through this process. There is more passion and LIFE raging through my body than ever before. My energy level is high and I can see the vision for my life again.

     I waited expectantly, admitting that I was ready to give up so many days. That is proof that God is faithful! He is steady and strong when I can’t be. He never left me, but allowed me to do battle with the lion in order to grow. I will keep waiting expectantly no matter how hard that gets. The scars from every battle are beautiful reminders that with Him I really can do anything!

Wait Expectantly

Happy New Year! Life has been exceptionally HARD over the past five months and in some ways over the past two years. I have faced things that have rocked me to the core of my being. I started going to a counselor for the first time in my life in October. It is hard to even write that sentence knowing someone may read this, but it has been a lifeline for me and I wish I had done it a long time ago. Pride and shame have been the obstacles that kept me from asking for help, but at the end of September I found myself asking for help and humbled at the reality that my life was being turned upside down. That is different for everyone, but I believe if we each embrace our own struggle, God will use each of us and our stories to impact someone else. I sure do hate waiting though.

All four of our children started school in August. Finally, everyone was in school, but I had forgotten how tough it is to start kindergarten. My sweet Chloe struggled being away from me full-time and she was tired from longer days. She has enjoyed every day of Kindergarten, but there was a lot of crying. She does enjoy her ballet and tap dance classes, and sometimes even picks up a ball.

Maiesha was dreading 6^th grade because 5^th grade ended with a lot of friend drama. Sixth grade started with all the same drama and it took about six weeks before she was comfortable in the new school year. She started her pointe classes for ballet and expanded her other classes. She is getting better at basketball every day and discovering she is good a lots of things.

Lydia hit the ground running in 2^nd grade, but always comments about how she misses me. She is a middle child and functions very independently, but also has a tender heart that needs quality time. She wrote a book in November and Maiesha’s friend created the illustrations. She too has been working on basketball and is enjoying a hip hop dance class.

Jeremiah fell off the deep end. (That was a little dramatic.) We could not have anticipated the amount of time and energy it would take to parent this strong-willed, passionate, and fearful teenager. Eighth grade presented more homework, harder classes, and more difficult relationships to navigate. Please don’t forget the hormones raging inside his “boy transitioning to a man” body. His talent and athleticism in basketball is really starting to shine and I love watching him play. It’s like riding the highest, fastest, twisty-est, roller coaster that never ends.

I started my second year of graduate school excited about starting a thesis and ready to finish my master’s degree. I scaled back my hours at work to leave more time for family and finishing school. We were committed to coaching Maiesha’s basketball team. I love coaching and being “2^nd mom” to all the girls we have the privilege to coach. We have also committed a lot of time and gas to help Jeremiah and a few friends keep training and building their basketball skills. I am in awe of all our children as I watch them develop their skills and talents. They are learning what they are passionate about and how to chase their dreams. They really are incredible people.  

Then at the end of September Tyrone dropped a bombshell that he was struggling with some things that amount to an identity crisis spurred by unresolved things from years ago and more recent circumstances. Increasingly isolated and distrusting of people, we spent a couple months within ourselves trying to peel back the layers to determine the root cause of his thoughts and feelings which has uncovered some of my own identity issues. There has been endless late night, long conversations, so many tears that I felt dehydrated, and miraculous answered prayers.

If my life were contained in a cup, I feel as though someone picked it up, dumped it all out, and threw the cup out of reach. Everything I have found security in and felt defined our family is lying in a pile and completely unrecognizable. I can’t describe the unrest and gut-wrenching grief. I read in a devotion this fall that something always has to die for something new to live. The old is dying so the new can live. There's a praise! 

We keep moving forward hoping no one notices that we are struggling, but it’s normal to struggle so why do we work so hard to hide it. As Brené Brown said in her TED talk about vulnerability “we are hard wired for struggle”. It is so worth 20 minutes so check it out on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o I am thankful for the people in my life who bring encouragement, kind words, and friendship. I am thankful for the laughter of children. The struggle is worth it, and saying it loud is empowering. 

I am choosing to wait expectantly in 2019. I discovered this phrase in the Bible four years ago as we started raising support so I and my two oldest children (they were 9 and 8 years old) could travel to Ethiopia and Kenya on a mission trip. It was powerful to me then and gave me hope that God was going to show up as we stepped into something we had never done. He did show up in so many ways far beyond the financial support we needed. Here is my post https://washingtonfamily-lynette.blogspot.com/2015/04/our-african-adventure.html about the trip. Those three months encompass some of the most profound revelations of my life. It shaped and formed my views of the world and God and where I fit in His story for all of his creation.

Psalm 5:1-3 says,

Listen to my words, Lord,

Consider my lament.

Hear my cry for help,

My King and my God,

For to you I pray.

In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice;

In the morning I lay my requests before you

And wait expectantly. [emphasis added]

Wait, a verb, means to stay where one is or delay action until a particular time or until something else happens. I hate waiting. It makes me feel helpless and a little bit lazy. I realize there is also power in waiting. I demonstrate a great deal of self-control when I choose to wait. Expectantly, an adverb, means with an excited feeling that something is about to happen, especially something good. There is a giddy anticipation. This implies a choice to be positive about whatever is expected even if it is unclear.

So in light of unfinished stories and endings that are very much still in process, I leave you in the midst of my struggle. I choose hope. I choose joy. Some days I get sucked under by the hard stuff and want to give up. Everything is contagious. Despair breeds despair and it seems to overcome people quickly, but hope breeds hope no matter how long it takes. I choose to wait expectantly that God is going to show up in 2019. I believe he will. I know he is because he ALWAYS does. I choose to WAIT EXPECTANTLY that he is working all this out for my best self to be revealed and so our family can continue to be a blessing.