A 4-legged reminder

Our first baby is our dog Buford. We adopted him when he was 8 months old from a friend. He was perfect for us. He was already house trained and could do all the typical dog tricks. He was high energy, but always willing to just sit with us and snuggle. We swore we would not be “those people” who referred to one another as mommy and daddy in reference to a pet, but pretty quickly that was naturally what happened. He was in the house whenever we were in the house. We walked each morning and sometimes at night. We went to the park and even took him on a boat ride with friends and let him play fetch in the lake. As the years have passed, Buford has journeyed with us from South Carolina to Indiana to Arkansas. He learned to be a full time outside dog after Maiesha was born. He learned to play in snow and ice in Indiana. We watched him mourn the loss of his “brephew” (mamma and brother made babies and we rescued one), Bailey, when he died from a fungus. He learned to take fewer walks since Chloe was born.

We celebrated Buford’s 11^th birthday on November 6^th. That doesn’t sound old to us 2 legged creatures, but for a large breed 4-legged friend it is kind of old. We noticed he has been slowing down, but a couple weeks ago after returning from a trip we really noticed a problem with his hind left leg. We took him to the doggy doctor and discovered he is suffering from some level of neurological failure and hip dysplasia. For the first time we are faced with the mortality of our oldest companion. Medicine has helped a lot so the immediate threat of having to say good-bye has been relieved, but the reality is this might be his last Christmas with us.

As we prepared for a follow-up appointment Thursday we discovered Buford had pushed through the gate and left home. He is not good at returning however, so this is a serious thing especially since we don’t know how well he would hold up given the neurologically problems. Fortunately, some nice girls just a few blocks away found him and we were able to bring him how only about 24 hours after he left. We were so thankful and very much reminded of the first time Buford left home. The miracle story that changed our lives 10 years ago just a couple months after we first brought him home.

It was a warm, rainy Friday evening when I arrived home from work to find the gate to our chain-link fence standing open. I called for Buford and searched for him in the muddy backyard (not much grass in the pine forest we lived in) but he was gone. It looked like someone had come into the yard and he chased them off. I called Tyrone immediately and he came home as quickly as he could from school. He drove the neighborhood and nearby neighborhoods with no success. We stood in our house crying and fearful of what may have happened to him. Little did I know in those moments God was about to do something incredible. You see…we had just celebrated our 3^rd wedding anniversary and I was in the first trimester of my pregnancy with Jeremiah. We were closing in on the 2 year anniversary of Tyrone’s departure from church. He had continued to attend our young marrieds small group, but had not stepped foot in our church in nearly 2 years. Well, as we stood there deciding to carry through with our plans to attend small group that night I noticed Tyrone look up toward the ceiling. Later that weekend he told me that was when he had prayed and asked God to bring Buford home. He promised God he would return to church if Buford would come home. Rather than looking at this as one of those ultimatum prays, I think God really wanted to get Tyrone’s attention because less than 5 minutes after he prayed 2 girls that lived a few houses down came running with Buford. They had found him. He was a muddy mess but he was home. Two days later, Tyrone went to church for the first time in nearly 2 years. He has only missed a handful of Sundays since.

I googled “God is faithful” and 2 Timothy came to the top of the search results. As I read verses 1:1-13 and 2:1-13, I see now that God was trying to get my attention that night too. Paul is encouraging Timothy to remain faithful and trust God because of the hope we have in Jesus. He tells him to keep proclaiming the good news even if he has to suffer for it. He says don’t be ashamed of it. He says don’t be weak or fearful because God has given us power and love and self-control. Those two years that I went to church alone were scary, but God used it to show me how to trust him with things I can’t control. He showed me that I had been “playing church” and often only went to church because it’s “the right thing to do”. He revealed that my identity was in appearing that I “had it all together.” As I read 2 Timothy, I feel like Paul wrote these words of encouragement for me now as I reflect on this story. I need reminders of his faithfulness constantly because I can slip back into all those things he healed me of during those 2 years. I especially need reminders when I feel like he is asking me to wait (with no explanation) and I know he is asking me to wait for something big right now. Paul wraps us his words of encouragement with this:

Here is a saying you can trust.

If we died with him,
    we will also live with him.
If we don’t give up,
    we will also rule with him.
If we say we don’t know him,
    he will also say he doesn’t know us.
Even if we are not faithful,
    he remains faithful.
    He must be true to himself.    2Timothy 2:11-13 (NIrV)

God is saying hold on. Trust me. I got this. Be patient. Stick with me, I am not going anywhere. Even when you forget to trust me, I am still faithful because that’s who I am.

We have seen God do incredible things in the 10 years since that miracle night. Every time Buford goes missing it is a reminder of what God did that day and to seek what God is asking of me today. Someday Buford will leave us for good – sooner than any of us would like, but his place in our family will always remind us that God is faithful and he always answers.

I remember...

We have been spending a lot of time remembering at our house lately. We have spent many hours browsing through our massive collection of digital pictures. We purchased our first digital camera in 2004 and since Jeremiah was born in 2005 we have not stopped taking pictures. In fact, it has only become easier since we purchased our first smart phones about 2 years ago. The kids get so excited to sit down and search the photo archives. They cheer for pictures of milestone events. They hit play over and over and over again on short video clips while laughing hysterically at each other’s antics.  It has been some of my favorite moments to open just one more folder of pictures and discover forgotten treasures as a family.

I recently finished leading a book study with a lovely group of wives and on our final evening together we shared stories from how we met and fell in love with our husbands. I took some time to look back at wedding photos to rediscover how our family’s journey began. Tyrone and I are planning a 2 night get away in December and I am going to pack the wedding albums so we can look through them together.

Tyrone and I often lie in bed at night and remember the lives we lived in South Carolina, in Indiana, and now more than 3 years in Arkansas. We have even spent time searching YouTube in order to listen to songs we loved in the college dating years. And movies…don’t get me started on movies. Tyrone loves to discover an old “classic” that he loved as a kid so we can pass it on to our kids.

I love to remember, but it takes effort. It takes time. It requires that I slow down from the pace of life. It means I can’t just crash at the end of the day or shuffle the kids off to self-entertaining activities. It is so important though. That is what I have realized! Remembering is what keeps me grounded. It is what keeps me willing to love and forgive. Remaining aware of the life I have lived – the beautiful and horrible -  inspires me to keep living. It helps me keep God’s faithfulness in mind.

Remembering God’s faithfulness is what gives me hope for the future. Hope means to believe, desire or trust. When I take the time to remember what God has done for me, I can more easily trust the plans he has for me today and the plans he has for our family generations from now. I have been reading Isaiah 40 the past few days. God is comforting his people by helping them remember who he is.

Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
    Have you not understood since the earth was founded? (v. 21)

“To whom will you compare me?
    Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
²⁶ Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
    Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
    and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
    not one of them is missing. (v. 25-26)

Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak. (v. 28-29)

Tonight we celebrated together as a family as we read our family Bible verses before bedtime. We have been praying Acts 16:14 for Lydia since we chose her name just a couple weeks before she was born.

“One of those listening was a woman from the city of Thyatira named Lydia, a dealer in purple cloth. She was a worshiper of God. The Lord opened her heart to respond to Paul’s message.”

Last night I had the awesome privilege of praying with Lydia so she could ask Jesus to be her savior. It was so sweet and completely genuine. She said, “Mommy…I want to be in God’s family.” We talked through what Jesus did for her and she prayed each word clearly and carefully. She popped up from her bed to give me a big hug after she said “Amen.” We shared the news with Jeremiah and Maiesha this morning and they each congratulated her and were so happy for her. Jeremiah said, “See you in heaven.” Maiesha said, “Only one more to go.” (Referring to Chloe) Tonight we read her verse, not as something we hope for, but as something that has come to pass. We read it as an answered prayer. I remember the hundreds of times I prayed that verse over her for nearly 4 years wondering when she would understand and believe. We did not give up and God was faithful.

Remembering gives me hope. Remembering helps me to trust. When life gets hard, that is when I need to stop and remember the most. Remember our happiest of times. Remember my worst days. Remember my wedding vows. Remember my first moments as a mommy. Remember the way Tyrone sang to me at our wedding. Remember how God carried me through 2 miscarriages and nearly having cancer. Remember Maiesha’s first day of preschool. Remember how God provided a place to live. Remember how he directed our path to Arkansas. Remember the date and story when each of our children prayed to receive Jesus as their savior. I could go on for days…

Isaiah 40 finishes with one of my favorite verses in all of scripture, and now I think I understand it a little bit better. God called me to remember and then explains the triumph I will experience when I trust (hope in) him.

but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint. (v. 31)

My spiritual fitness

I got home earlier than usual today so I had 2 ½ hours to myself. I finished my Bible study for the week. I am doing this incredible study of the Sermon on the Mount by Jen Wilkin. I am feeling a bit beat down by life and thought a nap might be a great next step for my remaining alone time. No not today…today I decided to pull up my favorite song “Lord I Need You” and have a little worship time. I am hitting replay for 5^th time as I type this sentence after sobbing on my knees during the 2^nd and 3^rd repeats. I really understand in these moments, pondering all that is on my heart, how much I need God and his saving grace. There is nothing I can do that will separate me from him. I belong to him and that compels me to cry out to him to worship him to be humble before him.

That’s what running is for me. It is a physical representation of my need for God. My “success” at running is a representation of God’s faithfulness as I trust him with every stride. Running is not something I have ever enjoyed doing. I have always played sports so running was something that had to be done to prepare me for the sport I was participating in at the time. Some of my sports required more running of me than others, but it was just a necessary evil to get my body prepared for the challenges of the sport. I will never forget running 15 straight “suicides” in junior high basketball because no one could make a free throw that day. I ran cross country as a freshman in high school to build my conditioning for basketball. I ran some relays and even the 2 mile once on the track team because coach required me to do more than throw shot put and discus. I had to run a mile in 7 minutes or less as a freshman basketball player at the University of South Carolina just weeks after I arrived on campus. My time of 6:46 is still one of my greatest accomplishments. It’s what I had to do in order to do what I wanted to do. I guess it should come as no surprise that I ended up on the track team at South Carolina throwing shot put in the end. It was the thing I was most successful at and my 15 minutes of fame as an SEC Champion and National qualifier. We didn’t run a lot and the most applicable running drill was the 30 yard sprint - short and sweet and over in less than 5 seconds. I loved lifting heavy weights. I loved throwing heavy objects. Running was something you did if you were late for something.

Fast forward to May 2014 and Brandi Harris invited me to run in the Tulsa 15K (9.3 miles) in October. (We had talked about running a year earlier when I was still pregnant with our 4^th child. It was wishful thinking then, but I was interested.) I said yes. Not just yeah, I will give that a try, but yes I am going to do that and do it well. I downloaded a free app that would give me a workout plan to follow. A few weeks in I even visited Fleet Feet and got fitted for real running shoes. They are fabulous and the most comfortable shoes I own. I am doing this, but I haven’t been able to explain my dedication to my new sport until recently. Running is so outside of what is comfortable for me. It has become something that I have to rely on God for completely. I am learning how to trust him through running. He is teaching me how to persevere in the face of difficult circumstances. He is teaching me to push through when it hurts and everything in me says just quit. This is bigger than running a time or a distance or a pace. This is me learning how to let God be the Lord of my life. It’s scary, but I am in love with him. I get nervous before each workout, but I also don’t want to miss it because God shows up during every workout. We talk as I run. My flesh gets in the way sometimes. Satan tries to convince me to give up. I have run for 1 hour and 27 minutes (8.67 miles) without stopping.  I have run up a small mountain 4 times in the last couple weeks in order to be better prepared for the hills I will face in Tulsa. I love the feeling of sweat dripping off every inch of my body because I am being refined and cleansed. I love the sense of accomplishment after each milestone because it means I did something else that I never thought I could do and that means God is bigger than my doubt and fear.

Ironically (not really), the theme God put on my heart for the elementary kids this year is Spiritual Fitness. Their key verse is 1 Corinthians 9:25 “All who take part in the games train hard. They do it to get a crown that will not last. But we do it to get a crown that will last forever.” We define Spiritual Fitness as training our mind, body, and spirit every day to become a healthy part of God’s mission.

Mind: have knowledge of God

Body: be physically active to serve God

Spirit: grow in relationship with God

 Remember that God’s mission is to make His name great so that people from every nation, tribe and tongue will know and worship Him.

He is teaching me how to be spiritual fit and train for a crown that will last for eternity. I don’t get to ask it of our children and not live it myself. So…one of the biggest tests of my faith is coming on October 25. I am running the Tulsa 15K that morning. I am so nervous, but I know God will be with me. It feels so surreal, but I know he is writing my story through this experience. I know this is preparing me for the next big thing in my life that I will have to trust him in. Stepping up to that starting line will be a huge leap of faith, but there is no doubt that is right where I am supposed to be that day.

Someone was missing at lunch today

I went to the elementary school to have lunch with Jeremiah and Maiesha today for the first time this school year. This is their 6^th week of school and I just realized today how bittersweet it is to be back in that cafeteria. I am not sure if I have been putting it off subconsciously or if I just haven’t made the time to get over there. My kids love it when I come to school for lunch. This year their two lunch periods overlap so for a few minutes I get to set on the little stage with all 4 of them plus whichever friends that happen to tag along. Someone is missing however, our sweet little friend Andre.

Andre and his family lived in our neighborhood last year. Jeremiah played football with him at recess most every day. We decided to walk to his house last fall to invite him to the elementary lock-in we host at our church. From that day forward, Andre and his siblings began frequently visiting our house after school and on the weekends. By the end of 3^rd grade Andre had become a member of our family. He went to church with us, ate meals with us and spent countless hours playing at our house. As a mom, I began to see Andre as one of my own although I knew that he had a family who loved him. His personality was a lot like Jeremiah’s so it was easy to identify with him and care about him. We received the news in June that Andre and his family would be moving back to their home town in July. My heart was broken. The thought of never seeing him again was gut wrenching. He had his own knock every time he came to our front door and we would never hear that again. I would never hear his laugh and see his bright smile again.  

Here we are about 9 weeks since we said good bye to Andre and I catch myself looking for him when I am out running in our neighborhood. I look for him after school in the place where I meet the kids for snacks. My heart skips a beat each time the doorbell rings followed by a knock. All we have left of him are memories and pictures. I do hope we will see him again someday, and I continue to pray that God will cultivate the seeds that were planted in his tender heart. I pray that God will protect him and that he will never forget us because hardly a day goes by that I don’t think of him.

So… today as I sat in the lunch room with my children I was looking for Andre. God quickly reminded me through a lovely conversation with Ms. Mary that he has placed me and our family in this school to reach so many more than just Andre.  God has new opportunities for us to share the hope of Jesus with his precious little ones and their families. Ms. Mary wanted to thank me for getting Maiesha to school early each day to lead the chant for Rise and Shine assemble. She said she could tell that we teach Maiesha biblical things and our conversation unfolded into the purpose that God has for us. Then Jeremiah came and brought two friends with him that I didn’t know. I introduced myself to Isaac and Jacob. A couple minutes later we started talking about how the three of them could be the Old Testament crew. I shared the stories from the Old Testament to explain how Isaac was Jacob’s dad and how Isaac was the beginning of God’s promise to Isaac’s father, Abraham. They loved the stories. I told Jacob he had a twin brother, Esau, and then Jeremiah started talking about how Jacob tricked Isaac and stole Esau’s birthright. The boys started playing around and I had to help Chloe with her food so the stories stopped, but as I plugged back into their conversation I hear Jeremiah tell the boys about King Solomon and the 2 woman who fought over the baby.

Wow! Isn’t God amazing? I miss Andre so much, but look at the opportunities he has put in our path that I may have missed if I was still focused on him. Every relationship we are given is for a season. We have no way of knowing how long that season will be so we have to seize every moment for the sake of God’s kingdom and reaching “just one more”. It is so hard to say good bye and risk being broken hearted as one season draws to a close and the next looks uncertain, but God is big enough to guide us through and guard our hearts and minds. When we are walking the path he has for us, there is no safer place to be.

God has called me to minister to children – first to the 4 he gave me and then to each child he puts in my path. It is such a bonus to see and hear of my children being bold and unashamed as they share Jesus too. One of our family verses is 2 Timothy 1:7 (NIrV) “God didn’t give us a spirit that makes us weak and fearful. He gave us a spirit that gives us power and love. It helps us control ourselves.” We have been reading and praying this verse together for about 2 years and as I type this I realize how God has been answering those prayers.

The Total Life Makeover

I have been reflecting over my entire life the last few months as I realize the magnitude of all that God has entrusted to our family. I can see how I have grown and matured as a woman, a wife, a mother, and most recently a ministry leader. I can see how God placed so many people in my path who have invested in me to bring out the skills and qualities he hard wired me with. I have learned patience and perseverance where I once would have demanded immediate results or else. There has been one major change in our family in the last 6 months that is spilling over into all areas of our lives. Let me take you back to January 2014.

I was driving in the car one morning agonizing over our financial situation. From the outside we looked like we were pretty responsible with money. We tithed every month. We drove one car to save on gas, insurance, etc. We had put down $6000 when we bought our van to keep the payment really low too. We put a large down payment on our house to keep our mortgage payment low. We dressed modestly with very few frills or expensive name brand purchases. One the inside and felt physically ill each month as I would balance the checking account to see that we had over spent again and had to use money from the savings account to fill the gaps. I cringed every time we swiped a credit card to get a few groceries and buy a gift because it was something “extra” we had not anticipated. We had some lingering credit card debt from renovations on our house. Inside I felt like I was drowning and Tyrone didn’t really see it that way when I would nag him about it. (See Proverbs 19:13, 21:9) While driving, I started praying. I asked God to help us become financially responsible. I asked him to open Tyrone’s eyes to our debt and show him how to lead our family in this area. I asked that God work that out between them and that I would not demand it happen my way. That I would truly allow Tyrone to lead and I would follow hard after him as the head of our home.

Later that evening, Tyrone mentioned something that he wanted to talk about, but was hesitant because he thought I would have an “I told you so” attitude (back to the nagging wife). He started telling me about a conversation he had with a colleague who shared a book with him called “The Total Money Makeover”. The colleague was not a Christian at the time, but he wanted to know about our church and if this kind of stuff was being taught there because it was changing his life. My initial response to Tyrone was YES I am all in. I explained how I was just praying earlier that day for this very thing. Tyrone’s colleague dropped by a couple days later to let us borrow the book. We talked more about how he was using the budgeting and debt elimination plans to develop a vision for his financial future. Before that night was over, Tyrone had read through at least half of the book. By the end of the weekend, he had read it through at least 2 times and we were on our way to setting up our very own total money makeover.

Here we are 6 ½ months into the plan and it has been an amazing journey. It was really hard at the beginning. As much as I wanted to rid myself of the felling of drowning every month, I really didn’t want to sacrifice my way of doing things. I really didn’t want to let Tyrone lead, but I knew I HAD to. I have never seen him so focused. I have never listened to him talk about a vision for our future and details of what it looks like. It’s incredible! The only choice I had was to be his biggest fan and submit to his leadership because it was clear God had answered my prayer in a major way.  We don’t use credit cards. We have eliminated over $30,000 of debt. The only payments we have left are Tyrone’s student loan and our mortgage. We have an emergency fund for the breakdowns and unexpected things. We bargain shop. We have self-control. We have plans and goals and we work to follow the plan and reach the goals.

A few weeks ago I was reading Malachi 3:10 NIV and adding it to my list of Bible verses I am systematically working to memorize and the light bulb really went off.

“Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it. ¹¹ I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not drop their fruit before it is ripe,” says the Lord Almighty.”

We give 10% of EVERYTHING to our local church now. We give additional money to other missions organizations to support local and international ministry leaders who we know.  We give our time to help people in our community and build relationships with people who live differently than we do. God has thrown open the flood gates and we are experiences his blessing. This isn’t about financial blessings alone however. Our marriage relationship is growing more intimate. We are devoting more time to family stuff. We are joyful because the stress of financial uncertainty is gone. We have had countless opportunities to share our story and rejoice with others who are starting their own money makeover. We are managing time better. We are setting goals are making plans to achieve those goals. For example, Tyrone has lost 35 lbs this year which was an impossible task in years past. I am training to run a 15K in October. There is a youthful glow about us. Jeremiah is training to test for his black belt in taekwondo in October. Maiesha is taking ballet lessons again which she loves and is so good at. We are all competing in taekwondo now (except Chloe – no baby classes offered). The list goes on and on.

In verse 11 God tells the people what bad things he will prevent when we chose to be faithful with what he has given us. I am here to testify that God is faithful to his promises. We have tested and see that he does not lie. Nothing is wasted and nothing is lost when we chose to trust God. We are not perfect and we will make mistakes in this process, but it is undeniable – the total money makeover has become a total life makeover. God is painting a masterpiece and we are starting to see more of the canvas. It is beautiful!

"I Don't Want to Go" by Avalon sums it up well.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGnhB4zYXzU

On my knees

I was agonizing over a situation last night. I had made myself physically ill thinking about it. As quickly as I realized what was happening, the Holy Spirit shouted in my ear you must get along with God and pray. Tyrone couldn’t get home from taekwondo class fast enough. I had the kids get to work on their bedtime chores. Tyrone walked in at 8:15 and I told him I had to leave. He gave me the “what have I walked into” face and precariously said, “Why?” I simply explained I had made myself sick obsessing about something and I needed to go for a walk and pray.

We made it back to the kitchen by 8:45 to sit down and visit for a few minutes and field the last couple bedtime requests. By 9:00 I was feeling more settled and Satan got in my ear. He tried to convince me that my conversation with Tyrone was enough and I should just sit down with baby Chloe and relax. My flesh was tired and I thought maybe that would be enough. Thank goodness the voice of the Holy Spirit was louder, and I left the house. I buckled Chloe into the stroller and grabbed the dog’s leash. Chloe was thrilled to be riding like a big girl and Buford was excited to hear my voice as I opened the gate to let him out. Off we went to encounter God.

As I prayed over a neighbor’s child, my family, some friends in a challenging situation, a mom and her kids, and the thing that had me so worked up, God met me on the poorly lite streets of my neighborhood. The weigh was lifting. My anxiety was subsiding. That was exactly what I needed - time alone in the peace and quiet of my Redeemer. It became time for me to stop talking – prayer is a two way conversation – and listen to God. (This is far more challenging than just saying amen after I think I have said it all. I am learning how to listen and not just talk at God.) He was gently reminding me how much I need him, and as he so often does, God gave me a song as I rounded the corner for home. I pulled that song up on my phone and began to pray it - “Lord I Need You” by Matt Maher. It was playing through the second time as I arrived back in my yard. I looked up to see a clear star-filled sky and knew it was not time to go in the house yet. Chloe was asleep in the stroller and the dog was content to hang out with me. I fell to my knees right there in my yard and hit repeat on my song. Buford laid down next to me. I had been with my Savior and I had to worship him from a posture of brokenness and humility. I wanted to sit at his feet and acknowledge that I needed him.

The song says “Teach my song to rise to you when temptation comes my way. When I cannot stand, I’ll fall on you. Jesus you’re my hope and stay.” What a beautiful twist of my life verses Psalm 25:4-5 “Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me for you are God my Savior and my hope is in you all day long.” When I get tempted to do this life on my own, in my own strength and understanding, the Holy Spirit reminds me to cry out to God. When I can’t stand I can fall into him arms and be at rest.

As I rose to my feet, I looked up to see those stars once more. I finished my prayer with this.

Thank you, God, that you are bigger than the expanse of the sky and that you created a universe that I cannot fathom, and at the same time you choose to live inside of me and care about the tiniest details of my daily life.