"I have seen the Lord" is the title of the sermon series we have been doing at our church leading up to Easter Sunday. We have been tasked with looking and listening for God - observing Him in all areas of our lives. It doesn't stop there however. Once we see his or hear him there is one step left - we must surrender to him. That's where life as a Christian can get uncomfortable. He might ask me to do something I don't want to do or stop doing something I shouldn't be doing.
So I am actively looking and listening for God which has been amazing. He is EVERYWHERE! It's not that he has all of a sudden appeared, but that I am looking for him so I can see him right where he always has been, where he is, and where he will be. This has caused a great deal of reflection on my part to "rewind" in my head and look for God over the years. It's sort of like a game of "Where's Waldo?" only once you start finding God in your life all the other parts of the picture fade away and, at least for moments, all I can see is Him. I long for more and more of that every day.
After talking with a friend Monday night, God brought a past experience to mind that really illustrates how far he has brought me over the last 7 years. As we were nearing the end of my pregnancy with Jeremiah (April 28 will be his 7th birthday), I was thinking long and hard about whether to have an epidural or not. We watched the video at the birthing class and that looked awful. I can't remember how much I prayed about it, but I don't think it was a lot. The Sunday before he was born, however, we were at church singing the song, Enough, and in those moments I knew God was telling me I could get through the labor and delivery without the epidural. Part of my explaination to people was, "If I could squat 380 lbs in college, I can give birth to a baby without an epidural." That statement kind of leaves God out though, doesn't it? I was relying on my own strength to get me through. I know he was with me, but I only invited him into the room rather than letting him hold me and lead me.
From IV to birth, the process to get Jeremiah Aaron "out" took about 20 hours. He was born at 1:48am and I was beyond exhausted. I made it! No epidural! I did give up however, but by God's grace it was too late for an epidural at that point. He was carrying me even though I remained more focused on my own strength. I even told my doctor between pushes, which lasted an hour and a half, about my 380lb squat.
Maiesha Rae came along 18 months later on November 3, 2006. I was induced again, but this time the process only took 8 or 9 hours and there was only 30 minutes of pushing. God gave me the same song, Enough, just a week or so before she came so I knew again I could make it with no epidural. It was still about my own strength and stubborness. I thought, if I did it once I can do it again. My pride said I have to do it again.
As we prepared for Lydia to arrive in 2011, my attitude was a little different. I didn't have the same confidence in my own abilities to withstand the pain. I was much more nervous about going through the process again without an epidural. My song came at some point during the pregnancy, but not near the end. God gave me plenty of other signs to help prepare me. He gave me the determination to go the distance this time. I wanted to induce early again, but it was actually best that we wait until one day after my due date. That was a great mental toughness exercise because I was really ready to NOT be pregnant any more. My water broke 10 days early so I didn't have to wait, and we managed to fit it into our schedule. Ha Ha. God does that with me sometimes. As soon as I surrender something to him completely, he "let's me off the hook" as though the whole experience was about trusting him completely and not the waiting at all.
While the nurse put in my IV this time I was really nervous. I could not stop talking and laughing. From IV to birth, Lydia only took 6 and a half hours, but it was tough and I needed God the whole time. I had nothing to give on this one. In my head, not out loud, I was scared. I didn't feel up to the challenge at all, but the baby must come out. A bunch of people were praying for us throughout the process. We would text or call someone periodically to share an update. Some would text back an encouraging word. When things were getting very intense (they were really pumping the pitocin so she would arrive before bedtime) a lot of negative thoughts were running through my head. I said to myself, "You idiot, why didn't you get the epidural?" God showed up! A good friend sent a text with a verse from Psalm which was exactly what I needed. I wish I could remember what verse now. I kept repeating the beginning of the verse over and over. God was carrying me. I had no strength on my own. I was literally crying out to God to help me and one of the nurses and Tyrone both said, "He is." Then the Holy Spirit began ringing in my head. He said, "If Jesus can endure the cross for my sake, I can deliver this baby." Not my 380lb squat! Not my stubborn pride! He gave me the endurance and then the strength for one big push and out she came. I remember holding her and saying "thank you" over and over and over again.
God is at work! He is alive! He is everywhere! I need only open my eyes to see him. To experience his goodness. In Psalm 25 David writes(v 4-5 is my life verse),
In you, LORD my God,
I put my trust.
2 I trust in you;
do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
3 No one who hopes in you
will ever be put to shame,
but shame will come on those
who are treacherous without cause.
4 Show me your ways, LORD,
teach me your paths.
5 Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
6 Remember, LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
7 Do not remember the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you, LORD, are good.
8 Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
9 He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.
10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
toward those who keep the demands of his covenant.
11 For the sake of your name, LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
12 Who, then, are those who fear the LORD?
He will instruct them in the ways they should choose.
13 They will spend their days in prosperity,
and their descendants will inherit the land.
14 The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.
16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 Relieve the troubles of my heart
and free me from my anguish.
18 Look on my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
19 See how numerous are my enemies
and how fiercely they hate me!
20 Guard my life and rescue me;
do not let me be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope, LORD, is in you.
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