D-day is coming soon

We are closing in on D-day (delivery day). July 16 is  4 weeks and 5 days away. After my doctor's appointment two days ago I feel pretty confident Baby Chloe will make her debut sooner than that - praise the Lord. It is so surreal to think about it. A friend who was due 12 days before me just had her baby - 4 weeks early. He is doing great and is quite adorable. That got me thinking two things.

Oh, to not be pregnant anymore, how wonderful! God please don't make me "suffer" 4 more long weeks.

The second thing I thought was  we are really going to have a baby in a few weeks. How is that possible? (I know biologically how this is possible.) This was not our plan. We were done having children! Now we will be out numbered 2 to 1. We were done with diapers. Now our life is going to change and I don't know how to manage it all? I don't know how the kids will adjust? Can I do the things I was planning to do?

We have been spending some time focusing our family on Philippians 4:8 "...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." I have been praying it for Tyrone. Jeremiah has started reading it at bedtime with his other verses. Now I see that I need to know it too. If these are the the things I think about then all those crazy thoughts and questions don't fit in my head. There is no room for doubt, anger, resentment, fear, etc. I can recognize the lies satan uses to tear me down and keep me from trusting God and being an effective witness for His Kingdom. God has given us this baby to teach us and grow us - in faith and in number.

The last couple weeks I sit in bed each night and watch my baby bump move. I feel the kicks, punches, and twists of this little miracle growing inside me. Then I try to get comfortable in order to sleep and each position is temporarily and moderately comfortable at best. These nights of shifting and frequent trips to the bathroom help me get more excited to meet Chloe ( selfishly motivated, I admit, to be physically comfortable again).

Over the weekend the kids got to feel baby girl's hiccups on my belly and see her moving. I keep reminding them that she can hear their voices so it is good to talk to her so she recognizes them when she is born. All three kids went with me to my doctor's appointment Tuesday. They were so excited to hear her heartbeat.  After the doctor informed me I was already 1-2 cm dilated and 70-80% effaced I explained to them that Chloe could come earlier than we were expecting. I had a little anxiety when I heard this news. (More thoughts that don't fit in my head if I am focused on whatever is true, noble, right...) Given this new information, we all took the elevator up to the labor and delivery floor to explore a little after my appointment. We got to see a few babies in the nursery and I explained that Chloe would be sleeping in one of those little beds soon enough. I think they would have stood at that window for an hour if I had let them.

All of these events are helping me become more and more excited to meet Chloe. More and more thrilled to embrace this plan that was not my idea. I want to see if she looks like her brother and sisters. I want to hold her and hear her sweet newborn cry. I can't wait to watch her daddy snuggle her and talk to her in the delivery room. I am thankful God's ways are not our ways.  His thoughts are not our thoughts. I am thankful that he chose us to be the parents of a fourth child. I know he has a great plan and purpose for her life and for our family of 6.

Baby Girl has a Name

Tuesday night I experienced something new as a pregnant woman. I couldn't sleep. I have been progressively more and more uncomfortable the last few weeks. Body parts go numb and tingly. My enlarged abdomen makes it hard to sit up or roll over and I must support it with a pillow when laying on my side. As a rule, I don't like to complain and don't like complainers, but I am making an exception being that this is my fourth baby. I am in a new class of parenting where I get to use having 4 children as an excuse for my short comings. Ha Ha! Not really. I do like sarcasm. So while I was awake Tuesday night from 3:30 to 5:15 A.M. I decided to write in my journal. Here a little excerpt from my hours of sleeplessness.

.....................

It is 4:15a.m. and I can't sleep. This is a first for me. It has a lot to do with pregnancy. My legs are a little tingly and numb. My belly hurts most any way I turn or lay. My mind is full of so many thought about life right now. I feel a bit hungry too.

We have had no luck with baby names mostly because we admit to being a little indifference about baby girl's arrival. I have also not found many names that seem to fit. I really believe, however, that naming this precious baby will help us feel more enthusiastic and connect us to her in a more positive way. It has been a real challenge to accept what has been happening inside my body these past 7 months. It has been difficult to fathom life with a newborn again and parenting 4 children.

I have been searching for names occasionally, but nothing has really jumped out at me. A few names made my "short list", but no favorites. I have been praying that God will reveal the right name in the right time. I prayed that it would be obvious when the name God had chosen for our third daughter came along.

A couple weeks ago my dad suggested the name Chloe. He had made some other silly, even ridiculous suggestions, which annoyed me greatly, but Chloe was a legitimate idea. I take baby naming very seriously. Each of our children's names has specific mean and/or a story to explain its significance. I shared the name Chloe with Tyrone, and to my surprise, he liked it. He also pointed out this was the first time my dad had made a name suggestion and that seemed to mean something to him. As I thought more about it, that meant something to me too since I have felt disconnected from him in recent years.

I looked up the meaning of Chloe. It means "verdant and blooming". My first thought was what does verdant mean? Well, it means "green with vegetation; covered with growing plants or grass; of the color green". It seemed to be very symbolic of this pregnancy and the new direction God has been turning our family. New growth and vegetation where there has been weeds and infertile soil. A sign of new life that can only come when we trust God in the darkest of times. When we find ourselves in and pit of death (Psalm 40:2) and look up to find His outstretched hand reaching down to pull us into His light.

That's what Chloe means to our family. New beginning. New life. Renewed hope. Rekindled light. Restored love and relationship. Much of my indifference has melted away with this decision. I am looking forward to holding baby Chloe for the first time in 7 weeks, give or take, and putting her name and her face together.

...........

I was patient while I waited for the Lord.
    He turned to me and heard my cry for help.
² I was sliding down into the pit of death, and he pulled me out.
    He brought me up out of the mud and dirt.
He set my feet on a rock.
    He gave me a firm place to stand on.
³ He gave me a new song to sing.
    It is a hymn of praise to our God.
Many people will see what he has done and will worship him.
    They will put their trust in the Lord. - Psalm 40:1-3 (NIrV)

It gets better. Yesterday, when I shared baby's name with Jeremiah and Maiesha, Jeremiah turned a corner. He said, "I like that name. I know I am special and I think I like this baby now." Those were the sweetest words he could have said.

Happy Mother's Day

I have learned so much about being a mom this year. I have learned so much about myself and my relationship with God through my job as a mom. This Mother’s Day turned out to be a weekend of great experiences with my family. 

It all began Thursday night when Jeremiah and I had a Mother Son Date at Chick-fil-a. He wasn’t in the best of moods so I practically had to drag him to the car. We parked and as we were getting out I gave him a $20 bill so he could pay for our food. He thought was pretty cool and began to perk up. We found a table in the area reserved for the event and he was very interested in designing a family crest on the cardboard shield he was given. He chose courageous, God, humility, and energetic to describe our family. We ordered our food. We talked through the conversation starter questions on the place mate. He carefully drew pictures on his shield and colored them. It was a great evening for the two of us. 

We have invested a lot of time this year praying specific Bible verses with our kids and casting a vision for them to begin to understand the great plans God has for their lives. In recent months, we have focused a lot of time teaching them about respect and developing a leadership attitude. This has transformed our lives. We are working to show respect and earn respect. God has really been teaching me how to apply James 1:19-20, 22 “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.”

In my flesh, it is so easy to get angry and preach at my children. In the moment, it is so easy to lose my temper and react rather than listen and pray and respond. It is also so destructive and a tool that satan uses to create division in families. Fortunately, God has given me some great resources and guidance to teach me how to respond in grace and love. He has given me a new ability to listen to my children, to respond in a way that honors Him and points my children toward him. They can see the fruit of the Spirit in me and through me rather that just hearing empty words and hypocrisy from me. It’s transparency - being open and honest, willing to admit when I mess up and asking for forgiveness, creating an environment where they feel safe to ask questions and express their feelings. We are learning to discipline them in love rather than just punishing them for their disobedience.

Life is a marathon not a sprint. Learning to parent children seems to be no different. It is taking a level of consistency that is really challenging and sometimes uncomfortable. It is a huge sacrifice some days and a great demonstration of self-control (and the recognition of when I lose control). It takes a lot of thought and surrender to allow God to lead me so I can be the mom my children need. It takes daily prayers to pursue the plans God has for our family. Prayers that we will live boldly for God’s glory rather than prayers for safety and comfort in this fallen world.

On the toughest days, the voice of doubt creeps in to say it’s all for nothing. Fatigue and frustration take over and distract my from trusting God and persevering in the strength and power of the name of Jesus. So often right after the most difficult moments God has  given me rays of hope that demonstrate his faithfulness and proof that he has equipped me with the ability to parent these 3 - soon to be 4 - precious children. In light of that I must brag on each of my kiddos and how God is at work in them. 

Lydia loves to say her own prayer during our family prayer time each night. In the past week her prayers have gone from “Love me Jesus, Amen” to saying thank you Jesus and listing out all our names. She kneels by the bed and folds her hands to mimic mommy and daddy. Oh, did I mention she turned 2 just 3 months ago.

Jeremiah and Maiesha each made me a Mother’s Day card this weekend. No one prompted them to do it. They just spent some time in their rooms by their own effort to create a expression of their feelings. Talk about confirmation from God that what we have been praying and talking about is sinking in and making a difference.

Maiesha colored a card orange with purple hearts and inside she wrote: “I love you mom becues...you love me and that you care about me to. I hope that you love my crde that I made. Thank you for loveing me. You are a good mom. Thank you for giting Bri here when I didnt see her alot.”

Jeremiah presented a plain white card with pencil-drawn hearts and inside he wrote: “Thank you for being my mom. I love you so much because you are my mom and you love me. Have a great mothers day. I will give you all my heart.” He also drew a picture of the two of us holding hands. Even better, tonight he called me back into his room after we had turned out the lights to apologize for saying something disrespectful earlier today and to say Happy Mother’s Day once more.

Wow! God is so good and so faithful. All the glory belongs to him.

Continued It is for Freedom...Part 3

Galatians 5:1 “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

So if we believe this, if we own it, if we hold desperately to it, then what could our lives be like?

There could be no limits to our worship of God, our relationships with God and others, and our reach for God.

I think the foundation of any good relationship is trust. Trust is the reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety of a person or thing; confidence. So the first question is do I trust God? He is certainly trust-worthy, but does my life demonstrate a reliance on him and a confidence in him. Do I go to him with the smallest details to the greatest crisis and believe that he will guide me through?

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord will all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight.”

Do I believe him? Can I trust him with all my heart or just when I really need help out of a difficult situation? Can I lean on on his sovereignty rather than my limited understanding? WIll I acknowledge him knowing that he will make my path straight?

So what keeps us from trusting God? For me it gets difficult when I focus on my circumstances rather than him. Those are the times when I am not seeking him through scripture and prayer. When I allow feeling of guilt, pride, bitterness to take hold, I feel like God is far, far away instead of claiming the truth that he lives in me. When other people have hurt us in someway we project that onto God and question him rather than seeing that we have created an idol out of our expectations of other people.

However, if I am living in the freedom that Christ has given me, I can be transformed and experience an intimacy with God that lifts me up above my circumstances. It helps me see the world more like God sees it so I can build relationships that glorify Him.

I have really begun to see this in my relationship with our children. By trusting God I am learning to be the mother that my children need rather than asking him to “fix” my kids when things aren’t going my way. He is teaching me how to listen and respond rather than become angry and react. It is amazing what God has taught me through my 6 and 7 year old daughter and son just in the last 7 months. (What can I expect when they are teenagers?)

By trusting God I have developed some great relationships with other women. He has provided great women to meet with for Bible studies and small groups. He has given me the ability to counsel college girls and connect my story to what they are facing now. He has given me several incredible mentors who I can pour my heart out to so that I can be filled up with their knowledge and experience as wives and mothers as they walk with the Lord.

By trusting God my marriage is being transformed. I have finally experienced freedom in one area that I will share more about which has lead to a renewed passion and desire for my husband. It comes out in how I chose to respect him and help him and talk to him. It comes out in how I trust him and encourage him and challenge him.

Finally, if I embrace the freedom I have in Christ there will be no limits to my reach for God. God can make a difference through me in my community, in my country, and in this world. I can clearly see who these people are and listen for the opportunities he gives me to share with them. He also gives me the boldness to speak truth which I could not do in my own ability.

In Matthew 28:16-20 as the eleven remaining disciples go to see Jesus for the first time after his death and resurrection, Jesus gives them, and us, the Great Commission. “Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Jesus says because of his authority we are to go. It doesn’t sound very optional. Notice he isn’t asking us to do it alone either. He promises he will always be with us. So who is God telling you to go to? Is it a neighbor or a family member? It is to someone with different political views than you? Is it to a complete stranger in the grocery store or a coworker? Is it to a nation on the other side of the world?

Pray and ask God to open your eyes to see the people around you that he wants you to go to and then ask Him for the boldness to approach them. He will give you the words to say if you just trust him. I have seen this to be true in my life more and more as I grab a hold of this freedom I have in Christ.

While I was teaching at the University of Evansville, there was a girl in my class who was virtually unnoticeable. She never made eye contact, never spoke, and looked to be afraid of the world. Through an assignment on body image, I was able to reach out via an email to all students who scored below the “acceptable” range. She was one those students. She approached me after class the next day and asked if we could talk. After a brief conversation that day I gave her a hug, which I normally am not very comfortable doing, but I just felt it was the right way to end the conversation. We started to meet regularly. I learned that she was petrified of  hugs or being touched at all. She had been abused her entire life - physically, sexually, emotionally, verbally, etc. She had even attempted suicide earlier that semester. I encouraged her to write because talking was very difficult. I provided a safe place and a listening ear and words or encouragement. I shared my faith and how much God loves her even if no human being ever had.

This young lady with graduate from the University of Evansville next month. She has published a number of short stories and other pieces that all tell her story and have given her an avenue to heal. She is planning to study abroad this summer and attend graduate school in the fall. She welcomes hugs from friends now and smiles all the time. God has transformed her and I got to be a part of that because he said go and I went.

Another story I want to share took place last fall in my own home. God said go and I didn’t even have to leave my house. He brought the person to me. I had planned my usual monthly luncheon for moms and their kids. Normally I had anywhere from 6 to 10 moms who would come for lunch and hang out for a couple hours while all the kids played. This particular day I had a feeling that no one would show up. Normally that would freak me out, but I had a real peace about it. Someone did come and I believe God appointed that lunch for just the two of us. I had only just met this woman a couple months earlier, but we enjoyed visiting and God lead me to share my faith with her. We talked about church, heaven and hell, our kids, and personal relationship with Jesus. She comes to church now and is getting involved in other ways with several other Christian woman. I don’t know the final outcome of our lunch that day, but I do know God said go and I responded by trusting him and allowing him to lead.

So the question I ask again is if we believe God loves us and he sees us as pure, holy and blameless through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, what could our lives be like? What would our relationships be like? What would our marriages be like? What would our legacy on the earth be once we are gone?

Continued It is for Freedom...Part 2

Continued from “It is for freedom...Part 1”

Galatians 5:1 “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

So if we believe this, if we own it, if we hold desperately to it, then what could our lives be like?

There could be no limits to our worship of God, our relationships with God and others, and our reach for God.

Why do we worship God? I had not thought too much about this until a few months ago. I had boxed worship into mostly something that we do through singing and saying thank you when “things work out”. Well I don’t believe that is it at all. Those are things we do as a result of who God is and that is why we worship him. We worship God because of who he is. Period! Revelations 4:11 tells us God is worthy. Psalm 96:9 tells us He is holy and beautiful. Isaiah 12:4 says to give praise and that His name is exalted. Set a timer for 5 minutes and see if you can talk to God about who he is without mentioning yourself. Search the Bible to discover all the characteristics of God and why he alone is worthy of our worship.

I went to a college student conference over new year’s eve in 1998-99 in Atlanta, GA. I ended up going by myself because the friend I rode with got sick right after we arrived. The Impact Movement is the organization that put on the conference and it is predominately an African-American organization. So along with being by myself, I was one of a small handful of Caucasian students in the crowd of about 2,500 students. I had to room with 3 girls that I had never met before in my life. It was an incredible experience.  My roommates were very gracious and I spent lots of time with them. I also learned how to get over myself and worship God because I felt his spirit moving in that place. I believe it the first time I ever raised my hands during worship music. One of the speakers spoke on the crucifixion in great detail in a way that made me feel like I was at the foot of the cross watching it all happen. He kept saying “don’t look away, it’s not finished yet” as he described everything that Jesus went through. People started walking to the front of this enormous room in response. I started to go too. God was asking me to respond to who he is and not give in to a fear of what other people would think of me. So many went forward I only made it into the isle, but it was incredible to experience God and that week has forever changed me.

The Bible describes a lot of ways that we can express our praise to God. Our English translations boil it down to one or two words that give a rather limited view of how we should worship God. In the book “Fresh Air” by Chris Hodge he describes 7 different Hebrew words for our word “praise” that have helped me better understand how to worship God.

Hallel - Psalm 22:26 - Get excited about God, celebrate, brag, get silly about Him

Yadah - Psalm 138:1 - put our hands up in public to acknowledge the greatness of God

Barak - Psalm 103:1 - kneeling before God to show our thankfulness and be humble

Zamar - Psalm 150:3-5 - make music to God - with instruments and be loud

Shabach - Psalm 63:3-4 - shout, holler, be loud for God - he wants to hear us and be heard by others

Towdah - Psalm 34:1 - raise our hands to receive from God - trees stretching branches for rain

Tehilah - Psalm 34:1 - exuberant singing

Do you let yourself worship God in any of these ways? I have to admit it has taken me a long time to get over myself and my fear of what others might say or think so that I can just respond to God. It is so freeing and I am thankful that God has been so faithful to guide to a place where I can worship him for who he is. He is still working on me though. It is easy to get shy and uncomfortable and "refuse" to worship him freely.

My favorite worship story to date took place at my Grandpa’s funeral in May 2009. We had gathered in the little old country church where he and my Grandma had attended in the recent years. It was hard for me to even go home because this was a day I had dreaded for a long, long time. He was my favorite grandpa and the first grandparent to die since my great-grandma when I was a young child. I knew I had to go, and ultimately I felt led to speak at the funeral. My dad (this was his dad) had planned to read a poem also. He mentioned something a few times about me standing with him. I didn't think that would work very well considering I had trouble looking at him without crying. He started to read his poem and he was struggling to get the first few lines out. In complete response to the Holy Spirit picking me up out of my seat, I ran [not walk fast but actually running] to the stage to be with him. It is a bit funny as I remember because I was wearing heeled sandals which hit the old wooden floor hard with ever stride. I held him tight as his voice grew stronger and he read that poem. I have never experienced such perfect brokenness as I did in that moment. Then it was my turn. He stood by my side. As I spoke I knew God's strength had consumed me and I felt strong and empowered by the song lyrics I read [as a prayer.] As I had prayed many times before, I believe God was glorified with our time yesterday and I was able to worship him through one of the most difficult days of my life.

We sang my Grandpa’s two favorite hymns, “In the Garden” and “Amazing Grace” to close the service. I raised my hands in praise (towdah) to God as rivers of tears flowed down my face. 

To be continued...

It is for freedom...(part 1)

Wow! I didn’t realize how long it has been since I posted an entry. Time is really flying by. With so many things going on over the last month and as we prepare for Baby Girl Washington’s arrival in 15 weeks (or less hopefully), I just haven’t taken the time to sit down and write which is one of my favorite things to do.

I had the incredible opportunity to be the key note speaker at our women’s retreat at the beginning of March. Just over 50 ladies from our church gathered together for an overnight getaway. I had no idea the impact this experience would have on my journey. It served as confirmation that we are all meant to share trials and triumphs we experience for the sake of others and our own journey toward knowing God more intimately.

This will be my first entry of several from all that I shared at the retreat. The title of my 3 part series was “Freedom” and it really served to complete a chapter in my life so that I can declare freedom in a particular area of my life.

Galatians 5:1 “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

What is freedom? It is the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement of under physical restraint, exemption from external control, interference, regulations, etc.

So...what does free mean? It means enjoying personal rights or liberty, as a person who is not in slavery.

Freedom in Christ is to operate in the hope and knowledge that Jesus died to save me and through his resurrection I have power and strength to accomplish ANYTHING. Anything could be giving up a career to stay home with our children and support my husband’s career. It could be overcoming divorce or death or disease. It could be leading a friend through a difficult time and ultimately to Christ. It could be giving up the “American dream” to live as a missionary in a third world country. It could be learning to slow down to pursue only “God things” versus the good things that only run us ragged.

To understand freedom in Christ we must first understand three things. The first being how were we created?

“For you created my inmost being: you kit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” - Psalm 139:13-14

So that means God made you and me. His works (again, you and me) are wonderful. He knit us together. This reminds me of the ladies at our church back in Evansville who would knit baby booties for all expecting mothers. As they knitted, they would pray over the unborn babies and their families. They mailed the booties and a card to each family after each baby was born. 

“Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness,...” - Genesis 1:26

God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit decided to make mankind to look like Him. That doesn’t mean physically, but in our characteristics, our spirit, and soul. Just sit and think about that for a minute and let it blow your mind.

“Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.” - Genesis 2:7

The first time I “got this” was when we were teaching children’s church a few years ago. The teacher observed the distinction in Scripture. God spoke the world into being, but when it came to humans, he breathed life into us. God’s breath is what gives us life. Now let that blow your mind for a minute.

The second thing we need to understand in the pursuit of freedom in Christ is why were we created?

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him” - 1 John 3:1

God loves us. We are God’s beloved and he is ours. The creator of the universe wants a relationship with each of us. I love the word lavished in this verse. 

“Sing to the Lord, all the earth; proclaim his salvation day after day. Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples. For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods.” - 1 Chronicles 16:23-25

We are each created to bring God glory. To reflect and proclaim his glory. To demonstrate that He is greatest and most important, and no one deserves more honor. Is that your perspective each day if Jesus is your savior? Is that what motivates your decisions - big and small - as you go about your life?

The third thing we need to understand as we consider freedom in Christ is how do we have a relationship with the glorious God?

“But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and fee from accusation-” - Colossians 1:22

God purses me. He has provided a way that I can be reconciled to him. He had a plan from the very beginning to bring us back into right relationship with him after sin entered the world.

“God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” - 2 Corinthians 5:21

Through Jesus Christ, I am justified. I am totally forgiven and completely pleasing to God. When he looks at me he sees HIS pure, holy and blameless child because Christ gave us his righteousness and took our sin, guilt and shame on the cross.

“Through him everyone who believes is set free from every sin, a justification you were not able to obtain under the law of Moses.” - Acts 13:39

This tells us that there is nothing we can do to earn God’s favor. It is only through our acceptance of Jesus’ free gift of salvation that we can enter into relationship with God.

If Jesus lives in you, is that how you see yourself? If he doesn’t would you like him to? 

So if we believe this, if we own it, if we hold desperately to it, then what could our lives be like?

We would be free...free from the world’s expectations. Free from our own hang ups. Free from fear and pride. Free from the guilt of our past. Free from our circumstances.

Free to love, to dance, to cry, to laugh, to LIVE as God intends.

To be continued...

What We Need

Yesterday was a big day for our family. All five of us went to my ultrasound appointment to see if we are having a boy or a girl. We are 20 weeks along so they would also be looking for all the anatomy - internal and external. They kids were so excited. They loved seeing the spine and little waving hands. We saw a cute profile and a skinny little booty. All of this was just the opening act for what they really wanted to see however. Jeremiah and Maiesha were looking for some little boy parts. Unfortunately for them we did not discover any boy parts. We discovered the opposite in fact. We discovered that we are having a girl. 

Jeremiah was devastated. He so desperately wanted a little brother. He was sobbing and then Maiesha started to cry too. She thought a boy would be good since we have enough girls in our family already. I think she was being considerate of her brother’s hope for a boy too. When I was finally able to sit with Jeremiah, he immediately began to question our decision to have another baby. I tried to explain that this was not our plan, an "accident" in fact, but he didn’t understand that very well and my explanation was lacking. He kept saying we should have gone to the orphanage so we could have guaranteed a brother for him.

We went on to have lunch at Chick-fil-a to celebrate the news. At this point it was more of a means to console them and get their mind off the subject. As they ate I started to share the news with family and friends. This fueled Jeremiah’s emerging anger. It was my fault that we were not having a boy. Somehow I had secretly wanted a girl and just never told him. His attitude was in the tank and he wanted to lash out at anyone to help himself feel better about this tragic news.

We went to Walmart to grab a couple things including pink cupcakes. He wanted blue or red. We did finally settle on a package with pink and green. We looked a little girl baby clothes and took pictures to post on Facebook to share the news. We found an outfit with blue and green flowers and talked about this sister liking those colors instead of pink. After grabbing a gallon of milk, we just stood in the isle and I hugged him while he cried. He was worried that he wouldn't like this baby. The only girls he could like were Maiesha and Lydia. In the check out line he even said I should have prayed and asked God for a boy. When I told him I did actually pray for that, he came back with "Well you didn't pray hard enough then." 

As I watched Jeremiah go through this experience yesterday, I could not help but see how we all behave this way when we don't get what we want. We question God's commitment to us. We hurt others to pass along our pain. We think about what we or someone else could have done differently to get the "right" outcome. We grieve as though we have lost something (even though it was never ours to begin with).

My challenge is to learn how to trust God when I encounter these situations in my own life for my own sake and even more difficult, to teach my children to trust Him when they don't get all they want. God lets me throw my tantrum. He holds me while I cry it out. He welcomes me to talk to him and express my anger. His shoulders are big enough to handle whatever I put on him. Then he disciplines me, refines me, comforts me and guides me to remember that he will ALWAYS give me exactly what I need even if it is not what I wanted (and what I thought I NEEDED).

The question is do I believe God. Not do I believe in God, but do I BELIEVE HIM. 

Philippians 4:19 (NIV) says, "My God will meet all your needs. He will meet them in keeping with his wonderful riches that come to you because you belong to Christ Jesus."

If I really believe that his Word is truth, then I should live in response to that truth and allow it to transform my perspective in every situation. If he is perfect, and always works toward what is best, then I can rest in the power and strength I have through Jesus Christ.

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV) says, "But he said to me, “My grace is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak.”

So I am very happy to brag about how weak I am. Then Christ’s power can rest on me."

I did a pretty good job of being patient with Jeremiah and comforting him as he grieved his "loss". I did have to discipline him at times, but I tried my best to do it with the understanding of why he was acting that way. By dinner time, he was smiling more and joking with his Dad about how good he is at making girls. He was still asking for another try (i.e. we have another baby after this one) or a trip to the orphanage, but he was clearly already starting to recover. We will devote some extra time to give him and Dad their "guy time" and making him feeling special, but I have confidence that God has given him another sister, given our family another girl, because that is exactly what we need.