As the news of another child, which we were NOT planning to have ever, started to sink into my brain the first fear was how to tell Tyrone and what his response was going to be. He definitely did not want another baby as much as or more so than me. We had just come through some very rocky times in our relationship. We were headed in a very positive direction, but could this news derail our progress. My imagination was running wild with all the worst case scenarios that could happen. I had to recognize these thoughts for what they were - sin and satan's lies seeking to destroy this family God has put together.
I started thinking about gaining weight and my brand new jeans not fitting anymore. I started thinking about feeling sick and being exhausted. I started thinking about how inadequate I feel as a parent some days and wondering how in the world I could handle another child. We were dealing with a lot of unexpected behavior issues with Jeremiah last semester and satan really used that to attach me and amplify the negative voices in my head that said I don't know how to be a mom. Worst of all, I thought about another miscarriage. I still battle with the fear of miscarriage everytime I go to the bathroom. I start to think what is wrong with my body if I lose another pregnancy. In those early week, I even felt guilty for thinking I could be relieved if a miscarriage were to happen.
Wow! This is crazy. No wonder God's voice kept whispering, "What are you afraid of?" I have spent a little time reading and rereading Romans 8:18- 39 as I gathered my thoughts to write this. Here are a few of the verses that really grabbed me. I encourage you to read the whole passage.
18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us...23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose...
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?...35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?...
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
So again, God whispers to me. "What are you afraid of?" It took Tyrone a couple of days to get past the shock of my news, but as my mentor and I started praying before I told him, he is starting to get excited. He has even been the one to share the news in some unexpected ways. It is a new opportunity for us to experience the miracle of a new child after the miracle God did in our marriage.
Yet again, God whispers to me."What are you afraid of?" God is teaching us so much as we work through the issues with Jeremiah and as we learn to parent elementary school children. We are learning how to depend on Him more which is always a good thing. God reminds me constantly that he would never give me more than I can handle if I trust him and allow him to lead.
I still struggle with allowing myself to accept this completely for fear that I will have a miscarriage. There is no guilt however, just a fear of having to grieve what we have lost. Again, God whisper, "What are you afraid of?" He has a purpose for this unborn child no matter how many days he or she is on this earth. There is tremendous comfort in that and that truth is enough.
As far as my jeans not fitting for while - well that just seems a little selfish. I just need to be responsible with my diet and exercise - as I normally would - and those jeans will fit again. (I imagine chasing after 4 kids will help them fit a little faster.) When we heard the heart beat for the first time a few weeks ago, tight jeans were the furthest thing from my mind.
I will officially start the 2nd trimester of this pregnancy tomorrow. Time is already flying by. The kids are so excited. We are planning financially for the hospital expenses and trust that God will show us the way as we begin this leg of our parenting journey. I am looking forward to another ultrasound at the end of the month to see this little person again. The kids can't wait to join us at the 20 week ultrasound to find out if we are having a boy or girl. Of course, there is that new baby smell to look forward to also. When you think about it that way I have to say to myself - what are you afraid of?
Oh wow... Don't know if it's because I'm extra hormonal right now, but your blog brought tears to my eyes, and hope and peace to my heart as I read that passage from Romans that has been a favorite for years. Thank you for writing such an encouraging, honest blog about what you're going through right now. His strength is made perfect in our weakness, and His grace is ALWAYS sufficient! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Gianna. I hope your last few weeks before Fiona arrives are full of rest and sweet anticipation.
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