Wait Expectantly

Happy New Year! Life has been exceptionally HARD over the past five months and in some ways over the past two years. I have faced things that have rocked me to the core of my being. I started going to a counselor for the first time in my life in October. It is hard to even write that sentence knowing someone may read this, but it has been a lifeline for me and I wish I had done it a long time ago. Pride and shame have been the obstacles that kept me from asking for help, but at the end of September I found myself asking for help and humbled at the reality that my life was being turned upside down. That is different for everyone, but I believe if we each embrace our own struggle, God will use each of us and our stories to impact someone else. I sure do hate waiting though.

All four of our children started school in August. Finally, everyone was in school, but I had forgotten how tough it is to start kindergarten. My sweet Chloe struggled being away from me full-time and she was tired from longer days. She has enjoyed every day of Kindergarten, but there was a lot of crying. She does enjoy her ballet and tap dance classes, and sometimes even picks up a ball.

Maiesha was dreading 6^th grade because 5^th grade ended with a lot of friend drama. Sixth grade started with all the same drama and it took about six weeks before she was comfortable in the new school year. She started her pointe classes for ballet and expanded her other classes. She is getting better at basketball every day and discovering she is good a lots of things.

Lydia hit the ground running in 2^nd grade, but always comments about how she misses me. She is a middle child and functions very independently, but also has a tender heart that needs quality time. She wrote a book in November and Maiesha’s friend created the illustrations. She too has been working on basketball and is enjoying a hip hop dance class.

Jeremiah fell off the deep end. (That was a little dramatic.) We could not have anticipated the amount of time and energy it would take to parent this strong-willed, passionate, and fearful teenager. Eighth grade presented more homework, harder classes, and more difficult relationships to navigate. Please don’t forget the hormones raging inside his “boy transitioning to a man” body. His talent and athleticism in basketball is really starting to shine and I love watching him play. It’s like riding the highest, fastest, twisty-est, roller coaster that never ends.

I started my second year of graduate school excited about starting a thesis and ready to finish my master’s degree. I scaled back my hours at work to leave more time for family and finishing school. We were committed to coaching Maiesha’s basketball team. I love coaching and being “2^nd mom” to all the girls we have the privilege to coach. We have also committed a lot of time and gas to help Jeremiah and a few friends keep training and building their basketball skills. I am in awe of all our children as I watch them develop their skills and talents. They are learning what they are passionate about and how to chase their dreams. They really are incredible people.  

Then at the end of September Tyrone dropped a bombshell that he was struggling with some things that amount to an identity crisis spurred by unresolved things from years ago and more recent circumstances. Increasingly isolated and distrusting of people, we spent a couple months within ourselves trying to peel back the layers to determine the root cause of his thoughts and feelings which has uncovered some of my own identity issues. There has been endless late night, long conversations, so many tears that I felt dehydrated, and miraculous answered prayers.

If my life were contained in a cup, I feel as though someone picked it up, dumped it all out, and threw the cup out of reach. Everything I have found security in and felt defined our family is lying in a pile and completely unrecognizable. I can’t describe the unrest and gut-wrenching grief. I read in a devotion this fall that something always has to die for something new to live. The old is dying so the new can live. There's a praise! 

We keep moving forward hoping no one notices that we are struggling, but it’s normal to struggle so why do we work so hard to hide it. As Brené Brown said in her TED talk about vulnerability “we are hard wired for struggle”. It is so worth 20 minutes so check it out on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o I am thankful for the people in my life who bring encouragement, kind words, and friendship. I am thankful for the laughter of children. The struggle is worth it, and saying it loud is empowering. 

I am choosing to wait expectantly in 2019. I discovered this phrase in the Bible four years ago as we started raising support so I and my two oldest children (they were 9 and 8 years old) could travel to Ethiopia and Kenya on a mission trip. It was powerful to me then and gave me hope that God was going to show up as we stepped into something we had never done. He did show up in so many ways far beyond the financial support we needed. Here is my post https://washingtonfamily-lynette.blogspot.com/2015/04/our-african-adventure.html about the trip. Those three months encompass some of the most profound revelations of my life. It shaped and formed my views of the world and God and where I fit in His story for all of his creation.

Psalm 5:1-3 says,

Listen to my words, Lord,

Consider my lament.

Hear my cry for help,

My King and my God,

For to you I pray.

In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice;

In the morning I lay my requests before you

And wait expectantly. [emphasis added]

Wait, a verb, means to stay where one is or delay action until a particular time or until something else happens. I hate waiting. It makes me feel helpless and a little bit lazy. I realize there is also power in waiting. I demonstrate a great deal of self-control when I choose to wait. Expectantly, an adverb, means with an excited feeling that something is about to happen, especially something good. There is a giddy anticipation. This implies a choice to be positive about whatever is expected even if it is unclear.

So in light of unfinished stories and endings that are very much still in process, I leave you in the midst of my struggle. I choose hope. I choose joy. Some days I get sucked under by the hard stuff and want to give up. Everything is contagious. Despair breeds despair and it seems to overcome people quickly, but hope breeds hope no matter how long it takes. I choose to wait expectantly that God is going to show up in 2019. I believe he will. I know he is because he ALWAYS does. I choose to WAIT EXPECTANTLY that he is working all this out for my best self to be revealed and so our family can continue to be a blessing.