Meal Prepping to Improve my Relationship with Food

          I have always had an emotional relationship with food. I have a tendency to over eat for a variety of reason. I have an addiction to sugar that makes me sick to my stomach sometimes because I can’t just have one serving. It has been a roller coaster ride to say the least most of my life. I have had seasons of my life where I ate well and cooked great food. The condition of my body reflected these great habits. (Don’t forget exercise too but that is a topic for a different blog post.) Over the past six years my emotional relationship with food has collided with circumstances that have led to the worst eating habits of my entire life. This has negatively impacted my family so I declared 2023 is the year I plan to make some changes to improve our health and the habits my family has with food.

In August 2017 I started graduate school. It was huge undertaking and it meant that I was less available to prepare meals. I also worked full time hours between a couple jobs. As time wore on I became less motivated to cook and convenience foods took more priority. In spring 2019 we decided to renovate our kitchen and bathrooms. Our dining room table sat in the living room and the refrigerator lived in the garage. This was also around the time that apps like Door Dash came to exist. We ate from the microwave and delivery for nearly 6 months. This overlapped with the last year of graduate school. It was such a tough habit to break even though I saw clearly what had happened.

2020 hit and was excited to have graduated in December 2019 and started a new job launching a young non-profit organization into a new bigger trajectory. Enter Covid-19. Our lives ground to a halt as we adjusted to life at home ALL THE TIME. We tried for a while but a number of circumstances during the spring and summer ushered in a ton of stress and anxiety for our family. I did accept a job offer to teach and coach at a local school which gave us something to look forward to and a place to go to get out of the house. That job was a full-time job however. It came with 10 hour days and even longer hours once we were in basketball season. Stopping to “grab some food” on the way home became our norm. Trips to the grocery store were more about what sounded good in the moment and what was convenience to pull out of the freezer.

In the fall of 2022 I started a different job that required less of my time, but we still had plenty of activities that kept us away from home most evenings. Tyrone had discovered a homemade version of the rice bowls we liked to order at Chipotle. Maiesha really liked them so I started making enough for them to carry to work/school through the week. We bought a few meal prep containers and it was nice. I started making baked oatmeal that I could carry with me and making double batches of breakfast food to ensure we had quality breakfast items to start each day.

                If you know our family, you know we love to eat lunch or dinner in the café at Sam’s Club. We desperately missed it when it closed during Covid and we were among the first in line when it reopened. It is cheap which is great for a large family and it was super convenient. We also like the food (judge me if you must). One day around New Year’s Tyrone took Lydia and Chloe there for lunch and came home with a box of food prep containers. There were pretty pastel colors and they came in 1, 2, and 3-compartment sizes. The compartments were measured for 1, 2, and 4 cups. It was just the resource I needed to expand on what we had started in the fall.

                I have been shopping with an exact grocery list. It saves time and money. I also code it for Walmart or Sam’s Club. I am working toward the pick up or delivery services. It keeps our pantry free from as much snack foods. I started with a few recipes that centered around chicken and rice. I have added one or two recipes each week and gave some a break. We are “eaters of habit” so we are fine eating some of the same foods week after week. I also have some staple items around so someone can make a salad or a sandwich or box mac n cheese if they didn’t want a prepped meal. There is little to no temptation to dine out even on a night we are out late because we know there is good food waiting for us at home. The pressure for me to cook and clean the kitchen after a long day is not there throughout the week. My attitude toward food is improving.

My cooking sessions last 4-7 hours depending on what I am prepping. I treat it like I’m on a timed cooking show so it checks my competitive nature box. I get things roasting or baking in the oven while I chop veggies and cook other items on the stove top. Then it’s like an assembly line to get the containers filled and organized in the refrigerator. (We a second refrigerator in our garage.) The family helps a little, but I do see this as a labor of love for my family as well as modeling good behavior around food and financial responsibility.

Start with what your family likes to eat that can be easily eaten as leftovers and made in a large batch. High school cafeterias have microwaves that students can use. My elementary kiddos use a thermos sometimes or we prep cold lunch items. We also keep plastic sandwich bags, plastic forks and spoons, and condiment cups on hand to go with our reusable containers. I don’t trust my kids to take my silverware to school. Keep it simple and add new recipes as you find something interesting. 

Grocery shopping categories

Protein – chicken thighs, ground beef, link sausage, farm fresh pork sausage (my family’s farm), eggs

Starch/grains– rice, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, pita bread, French bread or sour dough for French toast, oatmeal, crescent rolls, tortilla shells

Vegetables – onions, peppers, frozen peas/carrots, corn, zucchini, cucumbers, lettuce, cherry tomatoes, roma tomatoes, asparagus, green onions

Fruit – frozen wild blueberries, cutie oranges, apples, applesauce, (summer will be more berries)

Dairy – milk, butter milk, variety of cheeses (shredded mostly)

Other – chicken broth, salad dressing, butter, oil, flour, sugar, seasonings as needed

I try to primarily shop the perimeter of the store to avoid so much proceed food in the isles.

The following recipes and/or Ingredients are what I have used so far.

Chicken and Rice Bowl (makes 5 servings)

8-10 chicken thighs                                                                        

2 cups uncooked rice                                                                     

1 ¼  cups shredded cheese                                                         

2 tbsp salsa (in condiment cup per bowl)                              

Handful of chopped lettuce per bowl                                      

(add onions, sour cream, etc as desired)                               

Chicken fried rice (makes 5-6 servings)

8-10 chicken thighs                                         1 bag frozen mixed vegetables

2 cups uncooked rice                                      soy sauce

4 tbsp, divided sesame oil                             3 scrambled eggs

Oven roast or air fry chicken. Chop and set aside. Cook rice. Let rest and cool in flat open air pan. (ideally you cook rice the night before to allow it to dry.) Use sesame oil to cook veggies. Cook until moisture is gone then add chicken. In a wok or large skillet, warm remaining 2 tbsp sesame oil then add rice. Stir rice and allow to fry in oil. Add veggies and chicken mixture and combine. Add soy sauce to taste. Add salt and pepper to taste. Finally, scramble the eggs then mix them into rice. Could substitute Asian noodles in place of rice. Could use a variety of veggies fresh or frozen. 

Sausage and Sweet Potato Skillet (makes 6-8 servings)

2 lbs link sausage, halved and sliced (I prefer turkey sausage)

4-5 sweet potatoes, cubed and roasted with olive oil, salt and pepper, could add cinnamon too

1 onion, chopped

2 bell peppers (green is cheapest, but any color works)

Saute onion and pepper in skillet. I air fry the sausage pieces for 6-8 minutes

Combine everything and serve with one cup cooked rice or a side of scrambled eggs

Pepperoni and Salami Crescent Rolls

2 tubes crescent rolls

12-15 slices pepperoni (fresh from deli)

12-15 slices salami (fresh from deli)

Shredded or slices provolone and mozzarella cheese

Roll out one tube crescent rolls in 9x13 pan Layer pepperoni, cheese, salami, cheese

Roll out second tube crescents rolls over the top. Bake at 350 for 22-25 minutes until golden brown. Serve with marinara sauce.

Homemade gyros (serves lots so freeze part of the meat and buy fresh veggies another week)

**Meat loaf for slicing the meat strips to mimic the shaved lamb on the vertical spit.

1 lb ground beef                                              2 large cloves garlic or granulated garlic equivalent

1 lb ground lamb (or another beef)          1 spring fresh rosemary of 1 tbsp dried

1 medium onion, chopped                           2 tsp kosher salt and ½ tsp ground black pepper

Run the onion through the food processor and then squeeze all the liquid out. Return to food processor and add all other ingredients. Blend until it looks like a paste. Divide evenly in two loaf pans, patting it flat. Bake at 325 degrees in a water bath for about an hour (reaches internal temp of 165-170). Remove from pans and let cool on a cooling rack. If it’s holding lots of juice put aluminum foil on top and a heavy weight to press out juice. Once cooled, slice into thin strips about 1/8^th inch thick.

Make or purchase Taziki sauce.

 Assembly of gyro – warm the pita bread or pocket. Layer 3-5 meat slices, lettuce, sliced roma tomatoes, sliced purple onion, and Taziki sauce.

 

Prepping Ground Beef

Brown 2-3 lbs ground beef (I use 93/7 lean/fat ratio) with chopped onions. Drain and divide the beef. Use 1 lb for pot of spaghetti. Add taco seasoning and use 1 lb for tacos. Add frozen corn, parsley, garlic powder, salt and pepper to serve with rice or mashed potatoes for Shepherd’s Pie.

 

Roasted Vegetables with Ramen and a protein (4-5 servings)

Chop 1 bundle asparagus, 3 zucchinis, 1 onion, ½ package cherry or grape tomatoes. Roast at 375 degrees for 12-15 minutes with olive oil, salt and pepper.

Boil one package of Ramen noodles per container. I used about half of the chicken seasoning that comes with the noodles and some of the boiled water. Could also use 1 cup cooked rice each.

Add chopped chicken, meatballs (cook frozen ones in the air fryer), or tofu for protein.

 

Other meals or foods I have prepared that work great in single serving containers.

Spaghetti

Homemade macaroni and cheese

Baked sweet potatoes and regular potatoes

Chicken breasts or thighs in air fryer to each with potatoes

Chicken salad with low carb wrap or pita

Applesauce Bread*

Banana Bread*

Zucchini Bread*

*Slice homemade bread and put in single serving Ziploc bags; grab n go for lunches or after school snacks.

 

Breakfast meals (use condiment cup for syrup when on the go)

Blueberry waffle and sausage

2 pancakes and sausage

2-3 slices French toast and sausage

**Could use bacon instead of sausage.

 

Baked Oatmeal (makes 6-8 servings)

4 cups oats                                                          1 tsp Stevia (or similar) plus ½ cup water

2 2/3 cup unsweetened applesauce                     2 tsp vanilla

1 cup water                                                         1 egg (or just the white; adds protein and binding)

1 tsp salt                                                             1 cup fresh blueberries (sub other fruits)

Mix all ingredients and pour into a 9x13 pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes. Turn oven off and leave in oven for additional 18 minutes. Cut into squares and serve with fresh fruit and a dollop of whipped cream.

 

 

 

Nothing Less

It has been so long since I have written something for me. Time escapes me most days. I have a lot to show for each day, but it never feels like enough since the to-do list is unfinished. The past couple of years have been filled with outrageous circumstances and story after story of things I could not have imagined my life would ever be.

Tonight I finished my practice plan and was organizing my Google drive. Organizing electronic files gives me some sense of satisfaction. I came across a blog post from 2017 right before I started graduate school. That was over 4 years ago. We have now lived in NW Arkansas for 10 years and my life lived in other places has become more and more distant. As I read through that blog post which detailed my decision to quit my job and go to graduate school, I started to cry. Those words are just as true today as they were the day I wrote them, but they felt like they came from someone else. What I believe remains the same, but it has been tested and challenged. There are more scars now. I have deconstructed everything I was taught and thought I knew about Christianity. I have detached myself from Christian culture in order to search for God alone and the person of Jesus. 

I sure did need those words today from my younger self. I wrote them at the beginning of my deconstruction. As I reconstruct, they remind me of the deep love I felt from my heavenly Father. They give me hope that I can continue to love like Jesus as I raise children, work full-time (plus a part-time job), fight for my marriage (tomorrow marks 20 years), and daily live in a beautiful, cruel world.

If you are wondering what I wrote, please read the following paragraphs. I hope they encourage you the way they encouraged me tonight. The blog was inspired by the lyrics in "Trust in You" by Lauren Dagle.

"I want what you want, Lord, and nothing less."

I must confess that what God wants for me is actually better than what I want for me. I am a planner and a fixer. I am confident in my ability to make a good decision. I like being in charge and in control. Last fall I was feeling neither of these. I had a lunch meeting set on a Monday and I had a lot to talk about with a dear friend. She is a great encourager and helps me sort through the whirlwind inside my head and heart. As God would have it, she had to cancel that day and I was not happy. I needed someone to talk to so badly, but pretty quickly the Holy Spirit said “You have me and that’s all you need.” So I walked and prayed. It was that day when graduate school came to mind for the first time in a long time. I knew it was time to make a change. I could feel the Spirit saying it is time to make the next move toward the plans I have for you, but I had to be willing to confess that what God wanted me to do was better than what I was currently doing and the plans I had been crafting (all in his name of course).

I must acknowledge the fears that rage inside my heart and mind. Oh my goodness, the fear is real. Fear paralyzes a person, but courage liberates a person to become all she was created to be. The next couple weeks that followed that prayer walk were excruciating. The reality of the presidential election was devastating to our household, but God used it to move me to action. It was a catalyst – a wakeup call - to remember I serve a sovereign God, my hope is in Christ alone, and I was created to change the world. I grieved as though someone had died. I cried more in the month of November than I had the previous 2 years combined. God was uprooting fear that was buried deep in my heart. He was refining me and preparing me for the next leg of my journey with him. I began to see clearly the purpose in “random” conversations and new, unlikely relationships. I learned the value of brutal honesty and having hard conversations. There was peace when I said it was time to quit my job out loud to my pastor. I loved my job as the Director of Children’s Ministry at our church, but it was time to allow someone else the opportunity to serve in that role. Then came the fear of what that actually meant. I had to give up this perceived power and influence I had. I had to give up my paycheck. I had to admit that some else could do the job better than me. I knew it was time to go despite the fear of answering people’s questions about what I was doing next with “I don’t know, but God does.”

The frequency of conversations about graduate school increased between Tyrone and I. I talked to some other professors about my ideas and options. I began to study for the GRE. I remember the night I chose a date and paid for the GRE…it was so surreal. I sat in that test with confidence and walked out with a good score. I applied to the University of Arkansas graduate school and ordered my transcripts from the University of South Carolina. The email came one afternoon with the subject line You Have Been Admitted! Now I have a graduate assistantship which will pay 100% of my tuition and pays a stipend. God is proving time and time again that I have nothing to fear when I follow the path he has marked out for me.

I must trust that God, who spoke the universe into existence and knit me together in my mother’s womb, loves me beyond all measure. I can trust a God who loves me. A God who loves me unconditional because of the shed blood of Jesus Christ will not lead me astray even if I can’t see what is next. His fierce love for me is enough to lead me to do what is otherwise impossible. Going back to school seemed impossible, but here I am registered for classes holding my student ID a month before my 39th birthday. Walking away from a job without a plan was crazy, but I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt it was right and God would provide everything we needed. There is certainty in the midst of uncertainty when it’s God’s hand you are holding.

He has a BIG plan for me. I have believed that for nearly 10 years and I am patiently anticipating the day when I will be able to see the plan complete. I can taste it. I can feel it. I have learned to be content knowing that God does not delay and each day is preparing me for the next. It is more true today than yesterday, and I will continue tomorrow to want what you want Lord and nothing less!

There is no color blindness in my house

I wrote the following in June 2017- 3 years ago. It seems important to share it now for my white friends and family who may have questions, fears, and concerns about the current status of racial injustice in the United States. This is so much more important to me now than when I wrote it. I spend 2 1/2 years in graduate school since writing this growing my knowledge and vocabulary to be able to teach my children and have good conversations with anyone. Now I have two teenagers and most days I hesitate to let them go out into the world on their own for fear of what they may face any given day. I invite your questions and comments as long as you lead with love and compassion.

Written June 20, 2017...

What is your favorite color? Mine is most any shade of teal. I love it with white in a chevron pattern. I love in in the ocean’s waves of the Caribbean next to the tan sand. I love it next to red in my daughter’s new outfit. I have a pair of teal high heels that I love to pair with navy blue or orange. I just can’t get enough of it. I didn’t really even notice this color until a few years ago, but now I can’t image my wardrobe or life without it. What if I were color blind and unable to distinguish the infinite array of colors God created for us to enjoy. His creativity is limitless and I am so thankful that I get to experience the richness of color every day.

So how did we ever become convinced that colorblindness related to race and ethnicity was a correct path to follow? I think some people had genuine, good intentions when they (whoever they are) thought colorblindness was a good approach to “fix” racism in the United States. To attempt to look at another person and convince yourself that you do not see the color of their skin is silly. What we most often intend by the noble statement, “I teach my kids to be color blind.” is we don’t judge people’s actions by the color of their skin. Unfortunately, in a country like ours where there has always existed a dominate Caucasian culture within the power structure as well as the history of African-American enslavement and oppression our statement of colorblindness leads us to devalue and dismiss the culture and influence of a beautifully diverse group of people who like ALL people was and is created in the image of God. Just like all the shades of teal that I love so much, God deliberately created every shade of skin to demonstrate who he is and bring glory to his name through the thousands of shades of people he placed on this earth.

You may argue that you are very careful to not judge people by the color of their skin. I think I am careful too, but honestly I do it too, and I am married to a black man. I look at him and see the beauty of his skin color. I see what a gorgeous shade of brown we created in our 4 kids. I am attracted to him, in part because of the color of his skin, but when he says or does something that I don’t like or don’t understand, there are ideas that pop into my head that say “that is how black people are” or “that’s what’s wrong with black people”. Oh my goodness…how is that possible? We have been married for nearly 16 years and known each other for 20 years. How is it possible that these kinds of thoughts run through my head about my partner in life?

Let’s me explain! I have begun to learn about the concept of implicit bias. It is something that exists in us all and it very obviously applies to our discussions about race relations. “Thoughts and feelings are “implicit” if we are unaware of them or mistaken about their nature. We have a bias when, rather than being neutral, we have a preference for (or aversion to) a person or group of people. Thus, we use the term “implicit bias” to describe when we have attitudes towards people or associate stereotypes with them without our conscious knowledge. A fairly commonplace example of this is seen in studies that show that white people will frequently associate criminality with black people without even realizing they’re doing it. (https://perception.org/research/implicit-bias/)

In the book “Good Faith” by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lions they give an example of implicit bias. “Gabe is over six feet tall and pretty broad across the shoulders, but he has probably never been referred to or even thought of as a big scary white dude. But ‘big scary black dude’ just sounds normal. That’s implicit bias.”

This was the description provided in some of the media coverage surrounding the shooting of Terence Crutcher in Tulsa, OK last year. Whatever you think about the topic of police brutality and the shooting of black people, think for a moment about how implicit bias would cause a person to respond differently based on the color of another’s skin.

The “Good Faith” authors go on to explain, “The only remedy for people of good faith is for us to intentionally become aware of our unconscious biases with help of a diverse Christian community.”

“The problem for the church is that many (if not most) Christian communities in the United States are homogenous – that is, not diverse at all. And layered atop the problem of most churches’ ethnic homogeneity is the popular idea that the “good Christian” thing to do is to practice colorblindness – where we ignore differences all together. Out of a sincerely good intention to judge others “not by the color of their skin but the content of their character,” as Martin Luther King Jr. challenged, white people often make an effort to see everyone the same – at least consciously. But colorblindness does not make space for people to appreciate different social narratives and cultural expressions.” (Good Faith, Ch 12)

Our elementary school has the distinction of being a “Leader in Me” school. The principles are adapted for kids from Steven Covey’s “7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. Habit 5 is “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” This is similar to James 1:19-20 (NLT) where James says, “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.” Based on this habit and Biblical command, let’s approach everyone, especially those who are different from us, with a listening ear ready to understand their perspective first. I define listening for my children as a two-part process. You must first hear what the person said and then respond with as appropriate action. If I am attempting to be kind and compassionate, my appropriate action will at the very least be delivered in love. Then whether I agree or disagree I am treating he/she with respect because we are both human beings created in the image of God.

So let’s make a real effort to make margin in our lives and our schedules to welcome people in who look and live differently from ourselves. It may be a bit scary, but I promise it will only serve to enhance your life and grow your knowledge and understand of who God is. And as a follower of Jesus Christ, it is my responsibility to demonstrate God’s love to ALL tribes, nations, ethnicities and languages so his name will be made great and more people will know and worship him. And just like my new favorite color brings joy to my life, the addition of a variety of people will bring so much more.

The Blessing of Quarantine

Where do I begin? Right now it’s hard for me to remember what time it is. Is it morning or afternoon? Is it dinner time or time for bed? As time progresses, I know it will be tough to recall if it is a week day or the weekend. It is hard to get motivated to get out of bed with no school, no classes to attend, and no practices to get to in the evenings.

I realized a couple days ago that this coach needs a coach. This person who makes a living out of motivating others to be their best, now seeks motivation. As a coach, I always tell my athletes that we are preparing them for life far beyond the game, far beyond the field of play. We’re preparing them for life after their ball stopping bouncing. In a way, everyone’s ball has stopped bouncing thanks to Covid-19. It was unexpected and we didn’t have any time to prepare. We didn’t get a say in the matter, and we didn’t get to think it over first. However, I already see so much beauty from the ashes of our current predicament. Every day there is something to be thankful for – something that seems found after being lost for so long. I am learning to coach myself. We are learning to self-motivate to do the things that are important to us. We are learning to love each other in the face of uncertainty and the complete unknown.

Sunday all six of us sat in our living room to attend church via Facebook Live. This was our first time ever. It’s not that we haven’t had chances to do this before, but it was never necessary and it was fine to miss a Sunday here or there. This time it felt like a desperate move toward connection and reassurance that God is still in control. With tears streaming down my face, I sang along with the last two worship songs. My heart was so full as our family listened to a message, not out of religious obligation or because it's what we are supposed to do, but because it brought an hour of normalcy and hope.

We have been given permission (or perhaps we have been thrown out) to step out of the overwhelming current of life. We stand on the banks of the river and reflect. It is the scariest thing to look at the current continue to flow by us. But wait! The current has stopped too. In fact, the river is receding. We have been given a gift to evaluate the load we have been carrying for a lifetime. We have worked so hard to keep everything balanced on our small raft as the current carried us. It was the current of social pressure and the American dream. It was the current of living up to unrealistic expectations. It was the current of unfair comparison. It was the current of “I’m not good enough”.

Let’s seize this moment to start fresh. Let’s look at our load and see what we can leave on the shore when we launch our boat back into the river. What was I carrying that I no longer need? What treasure was I carrying buried under the clutter that I can now hold tight to my chest? That thing or person gives me courage and strength to press on. What or who is so important that I am compelled to get back in the river to help change the current?

A few nights ago I dreamed that we went back to the Isle of Palms and rented the same beach house that we stayed in when we went to South Carolina for Tyrone’s mom’s funeral a year ago. In my dream, it was so good to be back there. The beach is our safe place and that house is forever a part of our story given the purpose it served. I called friends and invited them to join us at the beach house. It felt like home. I shared that dream with my family and the friend who joined us in the dream. It symbolizes peace, a calm in the storm. A place of refuge. It represents that relationships matter most and God is faithful to comfort us when we need it the most. It makes me raise my hands and shout AMEN.

“AMEN” by Micah Tyler https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-R3CPMfW2wc

We WILL keep fighting FOR our family and our community every day. We WILL keep getting out of bed when it seems like it doesn’t matter. We WILL keep doing “crisis schooling” because education still brings freedom. We WILL keep training and getting our shots up in the driveway because our physical health is critical and our kids have big goals to play college basketball on day. We WILL learn to do new things and remember to laugh at our failures because they are simply opportunities for growth. We WILL say I’m sorry when we mess up. We WILL extend grace and forgiveness in the worst circumstances because that’s what Jesus has done for us.

I WILL keep coaching myself and anyone else God puts in my path because that is who HE designed me to be.

God bless you! May HOPE rise in you today.

Chasing a Lion

     It has been nearly a year since I last wrote. It has been quite a year and my phrase for the year was “wait expectantly”. This year was full of great things and extremely difficult things. There have been lots of days that I just wanted to walk away from everything. I sense of value and purpose have been shaken. But tonight as I sang “O Holy Night” at our Christmas Eve serve I remembered this phrase and how God has showed up yet again in the midst of my unbelief. Let me rewind to the summer of 2016 to explain.

     I was reading the book In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day by Mark Batterson. (Read 2 Samuel 23: 20-23 from the Bible for the story.) The premise of the book was living a life conquering fear and chasing God sized dreams in the hopes of minimizing the regret that comes from not doing things we were meant to do. My boss at the time told me, as I described my enthusiasm for what I was reading, everyone he has known who has read that book quits their job to pursue something new. Little did I know I would be no different than those he spoke of. A few months later I knew it was time for me to leave my role as the Director of Children’s Ministry at our church.

     I took a giant leap of faith and was accepted to the Master’s program at the University of Arkansas in Public Health. I knew there were things I needed to learn in order to defeat the lion I was chasing. We are not supposed to chase lions though. We should run from lions. They are ferocious and people don’t pick fights with lions, but that is exactly what I was about to do.

     I began graduate school in August 2017 excited and scared to death. It had been 16 years since I graduated with my bachelor’s degree. There were quite a few nights crying on my couch doubting that I had made the right decision. It was difficult to attend evening classes, study and read on top of a part time job, volunteer coaching, parenting four kids, and being a supportive wife (I’m sure I left out a few things.). I was so afraid of failing and even more afraid of following through on this commitment I made to myself. I was toe to toe with that lion.

     To say that the last 2 ½ years has been challenging would be a gross understatement. Now in hindsight I truly see how hard this experience has been for our entire family. There are lots of scars from the fight with that lion. BUT…after I turned in my final project, I cried. I could not believe I had completed what I thought was impossible. It was so surreal to think about all the doubt and fear I had to overcome.

     Last Saturday I graduated! I debated going to the graduation ceremony. I wanted the closure that a celebration can provide, but I was worried about getting the kids up early and allowing them to sit alone while Tyrone escorted me on stage to receive my diploma. The lion won a lot of rounds this year and I didn’t know if I could risk all the things that could go wrong, but I had the gut feeling that we needed to do this. My children needed to see me walk across that stage. Tyrone and I needed to take that walk together. We settled the kids into their seats before 8am with a great view of the stage fully equipped with electronic devises and candy. Then we got in the long lines of 2,000 graduates ready to close one chapter and move to the next.

     The chancellor of the University began his inspirational speech to us. He highlighted the financial advantages of holding a degree(s) but more importantly the priceless value of knowing how to press outside our comfort zones and learn new things and be challenged by different ideas. Then he began to talk about regrets. He spoke of the sin of commission – things we did that we should not have. This was contrasted with the sin of omission – things we chose not to do that we should. This was the greater evil of the two. He challenged us to chase big dreams and conquer fears in order to make our mark on the world. This was exactly what I read back in 2016. God was confirming that I chased the lion and won. Attending the commencement ceremony was exactly what our family needed to close this most difficult and important chapter of our life. Not only did Tyrone escort me across the stage, but he made arrangements to present my diploma to me. Then after we shook hands he looked into my eyes and said “give me a kiss”. The audience cheered and in that moment we were the only people in Bud Walton Arena. Our children witnessed the whole thing. They understood that it was my day and they were proud to celebrate me.

     Now there is another lion to chase. I am taking on the role of Executive Director of the iYES Foundation (www.iyesfoundation.org). I will continue to teach at the University of Arkansas. I will continue to coach basketball and life. I will be serving children and families here in Northwest Arkansas as well as in The Bahamas (more to come with all of this) through education and sports. I will be a better wife and mom given what I have learned about myself through this process. There is more passion and LIFE raging through my body than ever before. My energy level is high and I can see the vision for my life again.

     I waited expectantly, admitting that I was ready to give up so many days. That is proof that God is faithful! He is steady and strong when I can’t be. He never left me, but allowed me to do battle with the lion in order to grow. I will keep waiting expectantly no matter how hard that gets. The scars from every battle are beautiful reminders that with Him I really can do anything!

Wait Expectantly

Happy New Year! Life has been exceptionally HARD over the past five months and in some ways over the past two years. I have faced things that have rocked me to the core of my being. I started going to a counselor for the first time in my life in October. It is hard to even write that sentence knowing someone may read this, but it has been a lifeline for me and I wish I had done it a long time ago. Pride and shame have been the obstacles that kept me from asking for help, but at the end of September I found myself asking for help and humbled at the reality that my life was being turned upside down. That is different for everyone, but I believe if we each embrace our own struggle, God will use each of us and our stories to impact someone else. I sure do hate waiting though.

All four of our children started school in August. Finally, everyone was in school, but I had forgotten how tough it is to start kindergarten. My sweet Chloe struggled being away from me full-time and she was tired from longer days. She has enjoyed every day of Kindergarten, but there was a lot of crying. She does enjoy her ballet and tap dance classes, and sometimes even picks up a ball.

Maiesha was dreading 6^th grade because 5^th grade ended with a lot of friend drama. Sixth grade started with all the same drama and it took about six weeks before she was comfortable in the new school year. She started her pointe classes for ballet and expanded her other classes. She is getting better at basketball every day and discovering she is good a lots of things.

Lydia hit the ground running in 2^nd grade, but always comments about how she misses me. She is a middle child and functions very independently, but also has a tender heart that needs quality time. She wrote a book in November and Maiesha’s friend created the illustrations. She too has been working on basketball and is enjoying a hip hop dance class.

Jeremiah fell off the deep end. (That was a little dramatic.) We could not have anticipated the amount of time and energy it would take to parent this strong-willed, passionate, and fearful teenager. Eighth grade presented more homework, harder classes, and more difficult relationships to navigate. Please don’t forget the hormones raging inside his “boy transitioning to a man” body. His talent and athleticism in basketball is really starting to shine and I love watching him play. It’s like riding the highest, fastest, twisty-est, roller coaster that never ends.

I started my second year of graduate school excited about starting a thesis and ready to finish my master’s degree. I scaled back my hours at work to leave more time for family and finishing school. We were committed to coaching Maiesha’s basketball team. I love coaching and being “2^nd mom” to all the girls we have the privilege to coach. We have also committed a lot of time and gas to help Jeremiah and a few friends keep training and building their basketball skills. I am in awe of all our children as I watch them develop their skills and talents. They are learning what they are passionate about and how to chase their dreams. They really are incredible people.  

Then at the end of September Tyrone dropped a bombshell that he was struggling with some things that amount to an identity crisis spurred by unresolved things from years ago and more recent circumstances. Increasingly isolated and distrusting of people, we spent a couple months within ourselves trying to peel back the layers to determine the root cause of his thoughts and feelings which has uncovered some of my own identity issues. There has been endless late night, long conversations, so many tears that I felt dehydrated, and miraculous answered prayers.

If my life were contained in a cup, I feel as though someone picked it up, dumped it all out, and threw the cup out of reach. Everything I have found security in and felt defined our family is lying in a pile and completely unrecognizable. I can’t describe the unrest and gut-wrenching grief. I read in a devotion this fall that something always has to die for something new to live. The old is dying so the new can live. There's a praise! 

We keep moving forward hoping no one notices that we are struggling, but it’s normal to struggle so why do we work so hard to hide it. As Brené Brown said in her TED talk about vulnerability “we are hard wired for struggle”. It is so worth 20 minutes so check it out on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o I am thankful for the people in my life who bring encouragement, kind words, and friendship. I am thankful for the laughter of children. The struggle is worth it, and saying it loud is empowering. 

I am choosing to wait expectantly in 2019. I discovered this phrase in the Bible four years ago as we started raising support so I and my two oldest children (they were 9 and 8 years old) could travel to Ethiopia and Kenya on a mission trip. It was powerful to me then and gave me hope that God was going to show up as we stepped into something we had never done. He did show up in so many ways far beyond the financial support we needed. Here is my post https://washingtonfamily-lynette.blogspot.com/2015/04/our-african-adventure.html about the trip. Those three months encompass some of the most profound revelations of my life. It shaped and formed my views of the world and God and where I fit in His story for all of his creation.

Psalm 5:1-3 says,

Listen to my words, Lord,

Consider my lament.

Hear my cry for help,

My King and my God,

For to you I pray.

In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice;

In the morning I lay my requests before you

And wait expectantly. [emphasis added]

Wait, a verb, means to stay where one is or delay action until a particular time or until something else happens. I hate waiting. It makes me feel helpless and a little bit lazy. I realize there is also power in waiting. I demonstrate a great deal of self-control when I choose to wait. Expectantly, an adverb, means with an excited feeling that something is about to happen, especially something good. There is a giddy anticipation. This implies a choice to be positive about whatever is expected even if it is unclear.

So in light of unfinished stories and endings that are very much still in process, I leave you in the midst of my struggle. I choose hope. I choose joy. Some days I get sucked under by the hard stuff and want to give up. Everything is contagious. Despair breeds despair and it seems to overcome people quickly, but hope breeds hope no matter how long it takes. I choose to wait expectantly that God is going to show up in 2019. I believe he will. I know he is because he ALWAYS does. I choose to WAIT EXPECTANTLY that he is working all this out for my best self to be revealed and so our family can continue to be a blessing.

In Our Home

Dear Reader,

I have missed writing so much. It is truly how I express deep thoughts and emotions. I have been in graduate school for a year now. I am currently in summer school to stay on track to graduate next May. This class is an elective in the Sociology department - Social Inequality. It is incredible! I am developing a vocabulary and research foundation for the injustices and health disparities I hope to impact through my master's degree in Public Health. We have to write short papers that are meant to reflect on the writings we read and make connections with the material. This one is extra personal so I thought it could double as a blog post. I hope it will impact you deeply and move you recognize inequalities in the social structures around you.

Sincerely,

Lynette

As I continued to ponder your question of what is my family’s racial project tonight on my run, I came across the lyrics to one of my favorite songs – “In That Home” by the Newsboys. The opening stanza is “There was a home in town where broken kids, the lost and found, would come from miles around just to see what love was all about – cause momma had a way of making things ok.” I feel such a strong connection to this song since our home has been this “home in town” for the past six years to many children, particularly black and brown children.

In the “Racial Formation in the United States”, Omi and Winant (1986:226) state that we use race to give us clues about who a person is. People tend to get uncomfortable when they cannot easily categorize a person racially. “Someone who is, for example, racially “mixed” or of an ethnic/racial group we are not familiar with.” This describes our family. We can publicly migrate from a majority white context at a University function to a majority black context with our 5^th grade girls’ basketball team almost seamlessly. We know how to get comfortable in either location, but it rarely lacks for at least one awkward moment. I generally sense when we have "over stayed our welcome", and we need to return home. I have developed a hyper-awareness to how people perceive and watch our family. We cause uncomfortable “crisis of racial meaning” (1986:226) for people around us. I am white and Tyrone is black. He is a professor, which no one guesses when he says he works at a university. I am taller than he is. We got married before we had any children and I always feel to need to share that when I meet new white people. We are Christians, and we are not Republicans. He never played organized basketball shattering the “all black people are good at basketball” stereotype. I had a ball in my hands at 18 months, and beat him when we played one-on-one for the first time. (He still married me.)

Omi and Winant (1986: 227) also state “our ongoing interpretation of our experience in racial terms shapes our relations to the institutions and organizations through which we are embedded in social structure. Thus we expect differences in skin color, or other racially coded characteristics, to explain social differences.” Although the percentage of biracial marriages is rising in the U.S. as evidenced in the “Racial Identities in 2000” article (2002:229), we still represent a small group in the U.S. This has never been more apparent to us that in the last 3-5 years. When we first got married in 2001, it felt trendy and rebellious to be together. The reality of racism in the U.S. while raising our children as they seek to determine their own racial identity has amplified the challenges we encounter. It is both a struggle and a reward to walk this journey with our children and the rest of the children we mentor and welcome into our family. I remember when our son was born, 13 years ago, and we visited the pediatrician for the first time. We had to fill out all the new patient paper work and stared at the box for racial identification. There was no place to accurately identify our sweet baby boy. When I suggested that we check the “other” box, the pediatrician scolded me ever so gently. To check any other box would have meant leaving out half of who he was. I do not recall what we did do that day, but I do remember at some point I started circling both White/Caucasian and Black/African American on forms. Now I am thankful that we normally find an option that reflects the biracial ethnicity of our children on forms as discussed in “Racial Identities in 2000”.

The “Black Identities” article was so impactful to me. Waters (1999:252) writes the observation of the Black American male teacher. “I would rather for you to hate me than to disrespect me, is the attitude I think is coming out from our black youth today.” This is such a power dynamic to consider if we, as white people, would not resort to being offended and listen. A few weeks ago, I was with my son in Wichita, KS for a basketball tournament. He walked to a shopping mall near our hotel with two of his friends. This is one of the first times he has done that without his Dad or I with him. He shared with me an observation they made about a white woman they saw at the mall. They joked with each other about her perception of “three n-%#-rs” walking around together. Although the woman did not speak to them nor make any visible displeasing gestures toward them, they were all too aware of how their presence may be unwanted. We talked through his experience and thought process. This reminded me of the “holding the door” scenario in the Waters (1999:253) article. She states, “The cycle of attack and disrespect from whites, anger and withdrawal from blacks, and disengagement and blaming behaviors by whites must be broken by changing whites’ behavior”. I think about the power we have in our privilege and how we could use it to advance the cause of equality so that young black teenage boys could one day not have to wonder about how their presence was offending a white person.

I opened this paper with a quote from one of my favorite songs. It is my hope that our home will always be a place of refuge and love for our children and any child that finds his or her way to us. As the song goes on to say in the chorus “In that home we knew we were safe to be young enough to dream to find the faith to believe. And in that home love it had no end. That’s where we learned to forgive – in that home.” As we continue to figure out how to work toward racial equality, I pray our home will be a safe place where children of color encounter this white momma who will listen and work to make things ok.

Works Cited

Mary C. Waters, Black Identities: West Indian Immigrant Dreams and American Realities (Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 1999)

Reynolds Farley, "Racial Identities in 2000: The Response to the Multiple-Race Response Option," in The New Race Question: How the Census Counts Multiracial Individuals, edited by Joel Perlmann and Mary C. Waters. Copyright 2002 by the Russell Sage Foundation

Michael Omi and Howard Winant, Racial Formations in the United States, Copyright 1986 by Routledge and copyright 1994 by Michael Omi and Howard Winant.